OMG! i cannot beleive i wrote this! in like, 3 minutes!?

Question: OMG! i cannot beleive i wrote this! in like, 3 minutes!!?

"Esther!?" i said with my teeth clenched, "Esther!?" i looked at Haley, "Thats who you told my lifes secret to!" i sat down, fighting the urge to punch Hale, my ex- best friend!.
"I'm sorry Angelique, but its not my fault, i - " Haley started to say,
"I am never talking to you again!" i said, practically sobbign now, this pain hurt me more than ever!. The fact that tomorrow, i would be the laughing stock of the eight grade, hurt me more than a billion knives!.
Haley bit her nails, "Angelique!.!.!.i'm, 'im so, so sorry, it was an absolute, total mistake ,okay, a mistake, i'll fix it!. "
"How are you gonna fix it!? Haley do you even realise what you've just done, you've told Esther, the worlds biggest rumour telling girl that, i, i - i i used to be the worlds biggest shoplifter!" i was crying even more now!.
"Angelique!.!.!. i cant beleive i did this!.!.!.but i didnt mean to!." Haley said meetign my gaze,!.
"Then how! how! huh!? tell me!?" i stood up andWww@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

It was pretty good, but you should really capitalize and use proper punctuation!. You don't and it's really distracting!. It gives the impression that the work is worse than it actually is!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's really not bad!. I don't know about this story, because secret-telling sob stories are slightly overdone in my opinion!. However, I believe your overall style is good!. I think it was a valiant effort!. As an aspiring author myself, more power to you for putting this up online!Www@QuestionHome@Com

It needs some work!. But it sounds interesting!. Oh and I don't think she would the laughing stock of the 8th grade!. I think that everyone would keep a distance from her!. Afraid that they were going to be stolen from, or something!. And no one would talk to her anymore!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like it, of course I'm clueless about your characters, needs an itroduction, unless the narrorator explains later!. Being a shoplifter isnt that big of a deal, not to be that upset about!.!.!.but its good!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It needs a tad bit of work!. The conversation doesn't seem
"real" enough!. And your grammer definitely needs some improvement!. Are you using Microsoft word!? I would spell check it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

when the part says more then a billion knieves say like then a billion knieves like pointing at my stomach or like pinning my arms,
but i love itWww@QuestionHome@Com

um!. no!. sorry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I can believe it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

ur slow i could of wrote that like in 1 minute!!!!!!!!!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

i dont like it, sry!. its boring and flat!. no depth!. ive taken lots of writing classes so i knowWww@QuestionHome@Com

Okay, the story plot is good and the idea you have is great but the way you wrote it can be improved!. Ill give you an example:

instead of saying "Angelique!.!.!.i'm, 'im so, so sorry, it was an absolute, total mistake ,okay, a mistake, i'll fix it!. "

You should say: "Angelique!.!.!.I am so sorry!. It was a mistake, okay!? A really bad mistake!. I'll fix it!."

By doing this you make the conversation more realistic!. You have to realize that yes, most teenager so talk like this, but it isn't proper grammar the way you wrote it!. they dont realize that their are actually commas and periods in the sentence when they are saying!. Us teens have a bad habit of just letting it all out!. The two sentences are practically the same and are given the same meaning!.

But if i began to read it with improved sentences, i would definitly continue!Www@QuestionHome@Com