Position:Home>Books & Authors> Can some people please critique my first chapter of my story?
Question: Can some people please critique my first chapter of my story!?
Chapter 1:
Aida: Millett’s home Sunday morning, November 29th 2008-
A young girl no older then sixteen was standing in front of a two story house’s front door!. The girl held a simple red suit case and a duffle bag was swung over her shoulder!. There was a young woman standing next to her wearing a black suit, her hair tied in a tight bun, and her coffee eyes hidden behind spectacles!.
“Do not mess this one up, do you hear me Aida!?” the lady wearing the suit hissed at the teenage girl, Aida!.
Aida’s shimmery summer blue eyes narrowed slightly at what the women had just said to her!. The door opened to reveal a woman in her middle forty’s!. She had blond hair and pale blue eyes!. A smile was placed upon her thin lips,
“Welcome to my home, you must be Aida and you must be Ms!. Walker,” Aida’s soon to be new foster mother said happily beckoning for them to come inside!.
Aida’s first impression of the house was that someone in the family had OCD!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is quite good and you're only thirteen (that surprised me a bit!.) =) I think you write pretty well for your age--the plot is interesting and it's just the grammatical parts that are bogging you down!. I shudder to be caught under Mrs!. Millett's shopping craze!. ;)
I think what you're looking for is a beta reader!. You can find one here http://www!.fictionpress!.com/betareaders/
I've beta'd the first chapter that you've listed here and the changes can be seen at http://ca!.geocities!.com/babyblue_ml/Mill!.!.!.
Recurring grammatical mistakes were:
-possessives ('s, s')
-words that are compounded, hyphenated, or none
-mixing up between commas(,) and semi-colons (;) or missing commas
-switching between verb tenses
Good luck! (You can also email me the rest of the chapter if you want it to be beta'd!.)Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow for thirteen that was really good!. keep writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
ok, i liked the beginning!. the girks background should wither be left till later and told in flashback or given throughout in snippets!. one major thing is year!. the mrs millet(!?) foster in charge person seems cold and austere, in todays world is just a *****!. i think u were going for the reserved type, strong headed and cold so you would need to knock a few decades off the time this story is based!. i-pod needs to go!. good luck, i think it has potentialWww@QuestionHome@Com
thats fantastic!! now im eager to read the rest :DWww@QuestionHome@Com
I'd read it but I will read most anything!.I didnt find anything wrong with it except for a missed comma or two!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Its pretty good!.!.!. I actually liked it!. and, uhm, not that it really matters!.!.!. but the folder is supposed 2 be Manilla not vanilla!. but its ok!. no biggis!. ^_^ it really does sound like an awesome story tho!. hope u finish it!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
There's a slew of Grammar and spelling mistakes!.
Other then that, not to bad!. Could use some work!.
We don't need a full on description of your characters in the first few paragraphs!. Draw your readers into the story, the plot, and keep them interested before mentioning aspects of their appearance!.
OCD isn't the best abbreviation, so write it out!.
Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder!.
Not everyone knows what that means!. Yeah, most do, but still!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
uh, it's manilla folder, not vanilla!.!.!.
and you said that aida had the impression that someone in the family had ocd twice!.
also, your writing seems choppy and juvenile, but i'm guessing you're on teh younger side, so the more you read quality literature, that should eventually fade, as well as your grammar errors!.
my major bone of contention was that your idea seemed tired and cliche!. a troublesome orphan having to adjust to a new home!? true, you've changed basically all the characters, but the general story needs more spice since that whole story's been done so many times!. although since this is the first chapter, i suppose the interest will develop over time!.
you also included a bit too much description!. 'shimmery summer blue eyes' is rather unnecessary at that point!. describe aida, her family, etc!. gradually instead of just smushing it all in the first time they appear!. people get bored of reading too much description!.
other than that, good luck!
other than that, good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com
You are only thirteen, yes, so I will say you are awesome for attempting so early, but, no, this doesn't work for the older people in America!. Go girl!Www@QuestionHome@Com
i thought it was very good!
your main character is mysterious and makes me want to learn more about her and that bag!
thats a very good trait in stories!.
there were a few grammatical errors, but nothing major that took away from the story!.
i really liked it!.
i hope you continue with it!Www@QuestionHome@Com