Position:Home>Books & Authors> Do you guys have any suggestons/constructive criticism for this intro?

I love it! Makes me wanna read the book! Lol

Umm the last line, sounds kinda weird!.

I'd change it to something like: However, you suddenly realize, things aren't as safe as they may seem!.!.!.

or

However, you suddenly realize this dark, distorted side of him, that lies beneath his porcelain facade!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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I like it the way it is but if you want to make it a bit more sinister just tighten up your copy!. The positive is this is your style and these are your worlds!. The bad is you'd have to write an entire book in this format (unless you limit this style to the preface)! lol Good luck - you're talented!

One moment you are safe and secure!.!.!. Family surrounds you!. Friends care for you!. Life is perfect!.

Yet five minutes later, you enter the dark world of enemies!.

A world where real, true, goodness is overshadowed by people consumed with greed, hunger, competition and jealous fights of survival!.

And just when you think your life is all over, you see him!. [Character's name] safe haven!. [more detail]

This split second realization also reveals his darker side [that you aren't sure you saw!?]!.!.!. [more detail]Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Your intro is really good, and it sounds like a science fiction movie!. I don't know what your vocabulary level is, but this intro would sound even better if you put in some big words that seem to give chills down your back!. also, the sentences are a little on the choppy side!. Overall, it was some really good writing!. I want to hear what happens next!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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I like it!. It sounds powerful! That's something that truly intrigues me, and I want to read more!. All I can say is that you might try shorter, simpler sentences at the start!. You can make it sound even more dramatic if you change a few words!.

For example:
Blood!. Steel!. A cry of a newborn!. War will change everything!. No one will survive!. Children will be slaughtered!. Men will be tortured!. One hope!. One breath!. One last stand for mankind!.!.!.

Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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i don't think the line!.!.!.!.the real, true world overshadowed by goodness is what you mean to say!.!.!.do you mean darkness!?!?!? and i think the last line needs a little something more!.!.!.!.like you suddenly realize that his darker side is about to be revealed or something like thatWww@QuestionHome@Com

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It seems good!. But I'd like to know!.!.!.did you borrow the preface idea from Twilight!? Because it seems an awful lot like its style!. I'm sorry if you didn't actually; I don't mean to cause offense!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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That was written quite wellWww@QuestionHome@Com

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THATS GOOD! now i want to know more!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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very good well doneWww@QuestionHome@Com

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Well I can't say I like the intro without reading bit further, but here's some advice I can give you without being further aquainted with your plot:

"But in five frightening minutes, all of this changes!." should read a bit differently!.

Maybe

"Then in five frightening minutes, all of this changes!."

or

"But in five frightening minutes, all of this can change!."

Depending on wether what you're about to dive into is a warning to your reader, or the beggining of your protoganists tale!. also, "frightening" is a bit of a plain word!. Consider finding a good synonym!.

"The world of enemies" perhaps would sound better as "a world of enemies"!.

"The real, true, world overshadowed by goodness!. A world where people are consumed by greed, hunger, and jealously"

This line, as it stands, doesn't make sense!. A world overshadowed with goodness would be a good thing, and would not entail "greed, hunger, and jealousy"!. A world overshadowed with horror, pettiness, or pain might though!.

"a fight for survival, competition!."

This should read!.!.!.

"A fight for survival; competition!."

Semicolons are your friends!. They're like a combination of periods and comas that suggest a change of thought within a thought, as though to suggest the narrator is reprising her words before she finishes!. Just don't let Kurt Vonnegut see you using them!.

Oh yeah!. Kurt Vonnegut is dead!.
Kurt V!. -- 0 JoeSki -- 1 :-)!.

You could also write it like so:

"A fight for survival!. Competition!."

This would suggest the two adjetives are seperate ideas!. Two seperate thoughts!.

Hope that helps!. Good luck with the rest!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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