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Question: What do you think of my story/novel so far!?
Its only part of the first chapter!.
Give me tips please!.
And please tell me what you think of it so far!.
Im 13 so I know its not perfect!.
Oh, and give me some names!. (some uncommon and some common) And dont forget the last names!.
“Wake up Lauren!” my mother called from downstairs in the kitchen!. “First day of school! You don’t want to be late!”
Ugh… Exactly what I needed… It was my first year in Bellingham, Washington!. I just moved here from Jacksonville, Florida!. I lived with my mother, Linda Barker!. My father, Peter Barker, lived in Texas!. He was constantly moving around Texas trying to find the right home and the right woman!. He was looking for a woman who didn’t exist- a beautiful, smart lady who did all his chores with pleasure!.
I got up from my bed and yawned, wiping the sleepy out of my half open eyes!. “Coming!” I yelled down to my waiting mother!. I got dressed into a blue T-shirt and some cut off jeans!. And walked downstairs and found my mother cooking pancakes!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I can tell from your name your read twilight and already I'm seeing similarities!.
Lauren grew up in warm sunny Florida with her single mother and moved to cold and dreary Washing!. Bella grew up in warm dry Arizona with her single mother and moved to cold rainy Forks, which is located in Washington!.
Lauren doesn't seem to have the best relationship with her father and Bella doesn't really like her father!.
Both this and Twilight are written in the first person!.
If I noticed that so will others!. I'm not saying you did this intentionally but others may!.
your character is also beginning to sound like a mary sue!. A mary sue is perfect!. They have a lot of friends; guys like them, especially the one they like; they're strong and independent; pretty; and can be a bit tom boyish!. More often then not they are the authors self insert that are change bit!. Usually giving the self insert traits characteristics that they themselves would like to posses!. I'm not saying that you have to drastically change your character, I to aspire to be a writer and know the difficulties of not creating a mary sue, but change a little bit here and there and it will be less noticeable!.
The writing could use improvement, but don't worry about that just yet, its not terrible and you will improve if you continue writing!.
So far the story does seem interesting although i don't really know what the plot is, granted this is only like two pages in to the story!.
If you want people to review your work you can always put it up on fictionpress!.net!.
I hope this hasn't made you feel like you can't write!. I wrote this whole thing because it seems like you do have talent and it shouldn't go to waste!.
!.!.!.this is long!.!.!.!.
~hope it help :}~Www@QuestionHome@Com
wheehoo i liked it a lot!.!. thats really good for a 13 year old!.
try usingg!.!.!. Cassidy or Natalie as one of the characters cuz i like those names!.
But for guy names!.!.!. maybe Shane or Jordan :]
Hope i helped!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Names: Keela Jordan
Gemma Taylor
Wyatt Copen
And you're quite the budding writer!. Just remember not to put so many details at the beginning!. You have a whole novel to fit them in!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Good, but!.!.!.too much background info!. You should take out the whole where you moved from & family back story to keep the reader more interested!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I really liked it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it! Its very interesting!. Keep going!Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow, i really like it! the only thing i can think of to help you would be to maybe work on word choice, i noticed the same words used a couple of times!. I'm 17 and just finished my first novel a few months ago and have been working on my second!. sometimes it seems like it's never going to work, but don't give up! keep going, it'll all be worth it in the end!Www@QuestionHome@Com
it is really nice!.!.but just use "girlish" instead of girly 'cause thats dictionary approved!.!.!.and i guess you can introduce the family history part a little later when the reader is actually into the story !.!.
plus, no offence intended,but most people brush before breakfast!.!.!.so i gues you could either edit or remove that part!.!.
anyway!!it looks very promising!.!.just remember to send me the name of the book after you have it published,ok!?!?good going!!
best of luck!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I can't believe you're making this a vampire novel!.!.!. it's got no spark to be a vampire novel!. Oh well, I think you should make HER change, you know, fall into the category her mom desires: "Girly!." Oh well, if he turns into a vamp, then this is gonna be one weird book!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
All right!.!.!.
1) Your beginning needs to be more interesting!. The fact that it's Lauren's first day of school doesn't really peak my interest!.
2) Of all the things in the world to write about, you choose vampires!? I'm not going to assume that it's because of Twilight, but you're obviously a fan, and your story does sound similar to it!. Remember, originality is the best policy!.
3) Information overload!. I don't need to know everything about her in the first page!. Spread the information out a bit!.
4) You've got a lot of talent for 13!. Keep writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com
its really good i like it, but u need to make sure u have a climax, as in wat ur story builds up to, like in the middle!. it can be a problem the main charactor has or a choice she has to make!. keep writing(=Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's good!.!.!.but maybe if you are going to make it a vampire novel!.!.!.
1) Don't live in Washington (already been done)
2) Don't have to guy be a vampire (been done)
3)Don't make her the new girl at school!.!.!.(also been done)
So basically don't make it Twilight haha
It's very good writing though and I see where you are going!.
Just make sure to make it super original which you can find a way to do i'm sure :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's really good!. But you need to take out the moving part and about her Dad going all over Texas trying to find the right women!. It doesn't fit into the story!. Of and this would be like this "Wake up Lauren," Mom called from downstairs, "First day of school! You don't want to be late!" You put a comma when the conversation continues!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i would wait until later on to reveal what you do and don't like about your parents!.
instead of saying what happened at the first of school last year, make it wait-it will encourage your readers to keep reading and they wont want to put it down!.
the other thing, when you explain where you live, wait and give a bit away at a time!. you could fill the whole book with things like,"the day was rainy-again-ever since i moved from Jacksonville, Florida I've used my umbrella more than my hair straightener(!?)!. but once more it WAS better than the alternatives!.!.!.!.living with my father!. the guy will never be happy with what he has anyway!." although i really do like the part about the things your father wants :)
i don't want to write it for you-but if you throw a bunch of details out right away it bores those of us who have spent any amount of time reading books!. keep it detailed, but with minor facts-like the weather-just don't be boring!.
other than that i really like it-it sounds like a good book :) good luck!
you could email me for later details!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com