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Question: Can you please review my story!.!.!.!?
Here is the general summary (but there is A LOT more to it):
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.And here is the link to the FanFiction:
http://www!.fanfiction!.net/secure/live_pr!.!.!.It's my own original work!. I dont know if I should continue it or not because people don't really review!! :/
If you don't have a fanfiction account, you can read it on here:
http://www!.freewebs!.com/aglimpseintimeThere are so far two chapters, basically introducing the main characters!.
You can either review on here, or on my fanfiction, OR in my guestbook on my freewebs page!.
Thanks SO much! (:
Looking forward to the reviews!.!. Please it will help me out so much! I am open to all critiques!.
-AC
Www@QuestionHome@Com
I can't write a reveiw of fanfiction because I don't have a name so I have to do it on here!.!.!.
Wow! Here are my Critics!.!.!.Just a couple little things, wow, usually I have much bigger contributions to add, but it's like an editor has already helped you fix all your problems, because the type of errors I found in your writting are the type of errors you can find in published books!.!.!.Btw!. I read both chapters, I just didn't find any mostakes in the first chapter, because I'm not used to correcting past stuff!.
My mother doesn’t have the money pay
My mother doesn’t have the money to pay
two younger siblings and me
two younger siblings and I
parents of a private school attending child would
parents of a private school attending child typically would
easy on her ever since
easy on her, ever since
six years ago right after my younger
six years ago, right after my younger
said my mother in between sobs
my mother said( it just rolls off the tongue easier, and is a smoother transition)
as she tucked back a lock of gold hair
as she tucked back the lock of gold hair
I asked as I placed the last suitcase that needed be loaded to on the cement and sat down on it!.(not really sure what you mean!?)
I really, really liked your story, I saved the link to my computer so I can keep up, so you better keep writing or I'm going to be very mad!. It is excellent, and I like how detailed your writing is, but how it is not too over the top!Www@QuestionHome@Com
If you want serious critiques, you should join this writing forum:
http://authorsnotes!.info/forum/index!.phpWww@QuestionHome@Com
This is so awesome!. Can't wait to read the rest!
:P
I only have finished 2 chapters of my book too!. answer mine please!.
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
cool story!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Ok, I only read the first chapter because I don't have time to read both, but I have a lot of comments on the first one!.
The flow is a bit awkward!. You have a lot of run-on sentences!.
also, you cram too much detail into one sentence!.
For instance:
"“Where did you get that necklace from!?” asked Richard Huntington, Earl of Endover as he was laid back on the itchy, wooden rocking chair with one of his lovers, Jane Lipton, straddling him!."
This needs to be at least two sentences!.
Try something like this:
"Where did you get that necklace from!?" Richard Huntington, Earl of Andover asked!. He was lying back on a rocking chair, and addressed the woman currently straddling him, Jane Lipton, one of his many lovers!.
"He looked up at the golden chain with an amethyst the size of a quail egg that was framed in a golden plated vinery design with the initials “A!.L!.G!.” engraved onto it!."
This is a run-on sentence!. Try breaking it up like this:
"He was looking at an amethyst the size of a quail egg that was dangling from a gold chain in front of his face!. The initials A!.L!.G were engraved on the gold vinery that framed it!.
You have a LOT of sentences like this that need to be broken up into two or more!. Don't rush, slow things down a little!. also, take some time to describe the scenery, what people look like, etc!.
You need to give the reader a setting!. I assume you're having your characters in England, but where in England!? You mention a town - what town!?
also, you switch from past to present tense and then back to past tense!. You say things like "Richard assumes" and "he is still struggling" but most of the story is in past tense!.
Keep an eye on that!.
There are a LOT of things that do not fit in with the time period you've picked!. Here's the ones I found!.
Anachronisms:
~ I'm 90% sure rocking chairs were not invented by the 1500s!. You might want to research that!.
~ Barons do not have yard sales!. Sorry, but the idea of a baron standing behind a table of junk on the front lawn of a manor house made me laugh!.
I think it's possible that he might have sold things to a pawn broker!. If he did have to sell anything it would have been kept hushed up, as a matter of pride!.
You might want to do more research on that though!. I'm absolutely certain yard sales would not be involved!.
~ I don't think barons had landlords back then!. They WERE the landlords!. People of the higher classes back then were BORN owning land, they couldn't really lose and I don't think it was normal to sell it either!.
~ "Anna and Richard had grown up as neighbors!." You might want to specify, the land their families owned were next to each other!. There were no next-door neighbors back then among the high classes!.
~ you mention pounds!. You may want to research this but I'm almost certain the British Pound was not in common use at that time!.
~ Barons did not water their flowers, nor did they live in cozy little villas!.
Sorry, but you sound VERY unfamiliar with the time period you've picked!.
I think you really need to do some research about the 16th century!. The 1500s is the beginning of the Renaissance period, classes were still pretty defined back then, not like today!.
I hope you find that helpful!. Good luck :)
EDIT
*sigh* I can't help it!. I'm going to respond to the below comment!.
"first of all, you did not change tenses, she was apparently going to fast to realize that you were talking about how the person still was greiving, and some of it was meant ot be in the past!. "
No my dear, I was not reading too fast!. Even present tense grieving needs to be described in past tense if the rest of the story is in past tense!.
"It’s been two years since her death, and he is still struggling with his drinking problem and just gambles his life away, which is what Richard assumes got him into such financial problems!."
SHOULD be "It had been two years since her death, and he was still struggling with his drinking problem and was gambling his life away, which is what Richard assumed got him into such financial problems!."
If it was meant to be in present tense, the rest of the story should be as well!. In which case the sentences would be something like this:
"Where did you get that necklace from" asks Richard Huntingdon, Earl of Endover as he lies back on the itchy wooden rocking chair while one of his lovers Jane Lipton straddles him"
also, you said "Anyone who is an alchoholic wouldn't really care if it was socially acceptable for him to be watering flowers, having a garage sale, etc!., know would he!? "
Lord almighty!.!.!.!. It's not about "socially acceptable" it's about HISTORY!. There was no such thing as a yard/garage sale back then!. Barons did NOT water flowers, it just wasn't done!. I defy you to find a cozy little villa in England from the 1590s that EVER housed a baron!.
It's a matter of what existed and what didn't!.Www@QuestionHome@Com