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Question: Read the prologue to my story!?
Prologue
My death was close, but I didn't care!. My only concern was focused on my love's life!. I clung to the edge of the lighthouse, trying to claw my way up!. Not only was gravity against me, but my fear and dread were begining to drag me down, too!. I couldn't hang on much longer!.
As I watched the aerial battle, I realized someone would slip up and would die!. Falling from this high would be fatal!. This wouldn't last forever!.
The gale force winds buffeted me and my wet fingers started to lose their grip on the metal bars!. My feet scrambled through the air, trying to find something to gain purchase!. They didn't hit anything though, and my hands slipped off the metal!. I fell through the air, wind and rain battering my body, waiting for the moment when I would meet my death on the jagged rocks in the water below!.
Let me know what you think! Constructive critisicm welcome, no flames please!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Amazing! You have a talent! I do think you should change some words like "fear and dread" seems like overkill, try just using fear!. Though, I love the line "This wouldn't last forever!." It captivates the reader!. What, may I ask, is the story about!? Based on the prologue, i am sure it will be a very good book! Hope you keep writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Its not bad, try a third person view its alot easier!.
But more description in it and story!. There a plot there, considering the battle over head!.
Its pretty good, when you write more mind sending me it!?
THxWww@QuestionHome@Com
Wonderful use of words!
You are a great writer!
Try extending it!. Most prologues are over a page long!. Yours seems to only be able to fit a little over half a page, or a page!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You have a good writing style but I find it difficult to take the scenario seriously, watching an aerial battle under these circumstances is a bit much!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it maybe you need to use more comon words, also use some likns between the phases but eventhough I like it a lot!. keep like this
Greetings!Www@QuestionHome@Com
that!.was!.AMAZING!!!!!!!!
please write more!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Hmmm!.!.!.!.!.!.
I like it!. I don't love it, but I think it's all right!.
You use a lot of describing words that really aren't necessary!. aerial, fatal, buffeted, scrambled, jagged, etc!. Simple is best, especially at a climatic scene like this one!.
It's also just a bit melodramatic!. Do you realize you metioned that she was about to die 3 times!? Most readers aren't stupid, and will understand she's about to die when you mention her situation!. Lines like, "I would meet my death on the jagged rocks below" aren't necessary!.
Besides that, it's a somewhat interesting beginning, and would hook a lot of readers!. Keep writing!
Edit: I read some of the other comments, and would like to add that lots of fancy describing words only makes your story sound amateur!. I would also like to add that I disagree with the person above me, and think that a short prologue is just fine!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
My death was close, but I didn't care!.
but my fear and dread were beginning to drag me down
First you state that he/she doesn't care about death but then you mention fear and dread!.
I realise you may have meant fear for his or her love's life but it doesn't seem clear!. s/he does care even if it's about the other person!.
Seems like an intriguing start, death hanging in the balance!. Was there more at the end of the paragraph to hint at him or her not dying, or a journey to the afterlife or does it mean that the love's life is now forfeited!? Make sure to put that at the end of the prologue, you want to irrevocably hook your reader!.
I really liked the imagery of the person dangling and their fall!.
Very evocative!.Www@QuestionHome@Com