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Question: Read This Paragraph Tell Me What You Think!?
This is an assignment for English, based on john Updike's "Beer Can", our assignment was to describe a soda can in a paragraph, I was wondering what you thought and what I could change!?
The soda can is a disgusting object!. Never mind that the pop top looks like a toilet seat, and who would want to put there mouths on that!? Especially when you consider the amount of spittle that clings to the indented rim, that the last sip is always backwash!. It can be ignored when you grip the slick cylinder that rests perfectly in the curved palm and open the top of the toilet seat lid (was not everyone reprimanded for leaving the cover up!?), to drink from the carbonated burst!. The colorful metallic sheen on the aluminum reflects into glazed eyes, drunk on smooth edges and nostalgic feelings!. You can ignore the jagged bits of metal that sometime catch on your lip as you drink, not to cut, but to unpleasantly jolt you from your enjoyment!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is certainly not a poorly written paragraph, but there is something that I perceive to be a fatal flaw in the entire presentation considering what you have stated is the assignment:
This is not really in any way a 'description of a soda can', but it a rather pointed editorial response!. Descriptive writing and commentary are not in any way the same thing!. One is objectively detailing and articulating the appearence (perhaps even the function) of the said object or individual or idea, while a commentary is a strick opinion piece!. And while this is an amusing and frankly rather entertaining editorial (and I believe your ending to not be pretentious, but more hitting a stride)!. However, depending upon the teacher in question (and you likely know what they are interested in receiving in response), this might get you an unexpected (and, prose-wise, undeserved) lower mark than you might be anticipating!.
EDIT ONE:
Considering your apparent ability with language, I have to believe you can make a more flat description exciting!. Take an example (I will write on the 'beer can' to seperate myself from your assignment):
The beer can itself is really less of a shape than an object without set form!. Poured into a mold and intricately designed with graphs and seams and scaffolds, the shape it initially takes is really that of molten, amorpous liquid, frozen down into an idea of practical usage in an age of diminishing efforts!.
The can finds the hands of a college boy, of three adults rocking back and forth before the blips on their television screen; in the grizzled grasp of the low-rent alcoholic or the sweaty palms of the surreptitious teen!. And, in the end, the shiny silver or red or blue or green or golden or finally dripping brown fluidity is mashed back down into its once formless mass to be poured back into molds at the recycling plant where it is chopped down and hacked again into the moiling plastic and cardboarded ends of a mass marketed tin of biscuts--Www@QuestionHome@Com
i think you should take that part out! cause there's no way to put the "lid" back down on a soda can lol
but everything else is amazing! i love how you compare it to a toilet lol!. i never thought about it like that!Www@QuestionHome@Com
The paragraph was great, it kept you entertained as well as gaining a new perspective on how dirty things are!. If this is the first draft the final will be wonderful!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sounds very well,nice adjectives!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow, thats awesome dude you've got some talent there!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
it is weird that you said "looks like a toilet seat" but i would give it an b+Www@QuestionHome@Com
Ha! I never thought I could get so much enjoyment out of reading a little paragraph about a soda pop can!.
You're first sentence caught me right away!. "The soda can is a disgusting object!." I smiled at that :)!.
As for that one part, I didn't know what you meant when you said the slick cylinder!. The only thing that is cylinder is the pop can itself, but I don't think you meant that!. Something in that sentence confused me!. I did, however, like your reference to the lid thingy on the pop can as a toilet seat!. Very clever!
Overall, I loved it and wouldn't change a thing(except that one part maybe)!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
If I was your professor (or teacher), I would call it mediocre!. Here's why: you already went over what describes a beer can and the assignment is to describe a soda can!. You included nothing in your paragraph that couldn't be said about a beer can!. You need to set the soda can apart from a beer can!.
For a start, I would stress more of the colorfulness of the can (most would probably agree that soda cans have vibrant colors)!. But you need to think of ways to let the reader know its a soda can not a beer can!.
Oh and don't start with "the soda can!.!.!.," its too elementary!. I would mention it at the end of the first or beginning of the 2nd sentence!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sorry, but I'm going with pretentious!.
Find some stronger adjectives and adverbs, but don't overload!. It can't just mean the right thing- it should sound right, look right, feel right, taste right!. Consider adding some metaphors and personification!.
The second person narrative is a little gimmicky- try first person instead!.
Tighten it, too!. It drifts a bit, leaping unconnected from topic to topic with false starts and sudden stops!. Try to put it in the present, with everything happening now, not 'could' or 'might' or 'can' or 'did' or 'was'!. Authority! Is! Now! Then!
It feels a bit stilted!. You have a couple of run-on sentences and a lot of stumbling language!.Www@QuestionHome@Com