Here's my first paragraph in my Novel, A Twist of Magic. How is it?

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Question:

I grammer checked it and spell check it!. So if there is any error's it's not my fault!.

I’m a witch-in-training!. And my Grandma is my teacher, the most powerful witch in New York City!. My Mom has never really been there for me!. Grandma has raised me most of my life!. After Dad died!. She was never the same!. She didn’t want anything to do with me, or Grandma!. I would always ask her why Mom didn’t love me anymore!. She would always tell me that I was wrong!. That Mom did love me…she was just going threw a rough time!. I would always ask when she would be back to her old self!. Grandma would just shrug and tell me when she was ready to let go!. When will she let go!? I would ask!. She would laughed and ruffle my hair!. In good time!. She would always say!. I was so stupid at the age of 6!. It’s been 11 years since my Dad’s death!. And Mom’s yet to get over it!. One day while I was studying, our families spell book!. Mom came into the room and looked around!. When her eyes locked on to me, she smiled!. “Leave the girl alone, Margerite!” Grandma shouted fiercely!. Mom spun around and glared at her!. “She is my daughter! And I decide what is to become of her!.” She shouted and coughed!. “You are not her Mother!.” Grandma snorted!. “Then who is her Mother!?” She asked!. “Because I’m the one who’s been raising her!.” My Mother took a step back!. “I’ve been busy…” Mom dropped her head!. Grandma walked over to the window and looked upon New York City, and signed!. “After Tim died, you’ve never been the same!.” She signed again!. “You won’t have anything to do with me or Gabriella!. You’re missing so much, Darling!.” She turned to her daughter and pulled her into an embrace!. “Margerite… What is so important…that makes you miss everything in…your daughter’s life!?” She asked and started to sob!. Margerite pulled out of the tight hug, and looked deep in her Mother’s eyes!. “Power Mother!. I need more power!.” I saw Grandma’s eyes grow wide!. She shook out my Mom’s hold and back away!. “You are crazy…!” She shouted!. “Do you have a death wish!?” She shook her head and sobbed even more!. My Mother got an evil smirk on her face!. “So what if I do… I’ll then be with Tim!.” I gasped and jumped up!. “Mom are you insane!” I shouted and ran up to her and shook her by the shoulders!. “What has possessed you think this way!” I screamed!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I like the plot!.!.!. Keep in mind!.!.!. It's okay to be excited, but don't write a synopsis!. This is going way too fast for a novel, which means that the story will end short, unless there's a HUGE irony in the story!. But so far, I don't know!.

To make the book more organized, start a new paragraph whenever a speaker changes!.

It's good to base your story to other books of this nature, but don't over-copy ideas from books like HP, okay!? Stay unique!.

And since the story is set in NYC, be realistic and describe there, to really absorb the reader into being in the book!. What sort of interior does the house have!? How do the characters look like!? Make the book convincing, because you'll have to be careful if you're writing about witches in a modern city!. Chances are, it could go wrong and look like people don't know about witches and wizards but they make their appearance so obvious, which makes no sense!.

Make it more organized, and if it is, I'd love to read the entire manuscript!. Make suggestions, perhaps!.
Be creative, and happy writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is going way too fast and you need to make paragraphs and indents! Slow it down, take time to describe! It was really a chore to read it because the first few sentences didn't draw me in!. It was a block of words about the past and what people would say to each other!. Make it more exciting! Add a prolouge flash back! Add in some excitment, like her mother leaving and yelling at her!. Over all the plot is good, just you need to grab the reader and slow it down a bit!.

Take your time to describe, add feelings, and create good dialouge! It is too fast to talk about her mother leaving, then suddenly one day she comes back to give away her secrect while she has been gone (why would she admit she wants power!? More people to stop her once the secrects out! That is why most opposing characters don't announce to the country "I want more power to become an evil tyrant!" he'd be shot down with arrows right there!.)

also, I think the mother's apperance shouldn't come until at least the 3rd chapter!. Let's get to know life for Grandma and Gabriella before anything happens!. How is witch training!? How is NYC!? How does everything look!? How does Gabriella feel in certain situations!? Does she get along with the other kids!? Do kids tease her because her mother doesn't want her!? We don't know!. So far, it seems like she is locked in an apartment of some sort with her grandma studying spells!.

Another thing is that I'd watch your sentence structure!. Your grammar may have been fine, but not your syntax!. That is something you need to come up with on your own!. A spell check can't fix it!. You put commas and periods where it is not appropriate to do so!. That will come in time in english class, though!. Just keep listening or you can learn it now on the internet! I'd mention diction, but I don't know if this is the right vocabulary for your age or not!. Don't over word it (like go to dictionary!.com and pick out any old word that is fancy!. On some occasions that is fine, but you need to look on how to use it first!. When I write I have dictionary!.com up so if I am stuck on another word for 'dainty' I can look at all the words I all ready know, and say "Oh yeah, petite! How could I forget!?")

Lastly, I think this is unorganized!. Take some time to draw out your plot and plan what is going to happen!. Get a poster board and some sticky notes and start writing on there!. That is what I do!. It rolls up nicely with a rubber band and can be safely tucked away under your bed or in your closet!.

Good luck and keep on writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com