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Question: What do you think of my 1st chapter!?
What do you think of this!? Honest feedback only!.!?
Chapter One
Tammy Daniels scurried around her bedroom gathering everything she would need for her session tonight!. Her best and only friend, Casey Micheals was coming over to help her work the Ouija board!. Tonight would be the night she finally contacted a spirit!.
In vain Tammy had tried to communicate with a spirit by ouijaing on her own!. Finally, It was accepted that it took at least to people to Ouija!.
Sitting down on the floor, Tammy pulled herself up to the very edge of the bed, putting her hand underneath the skirt of the comforter, she groped for the cedar chest that she kept all of her magical materials in!. Her hand found it a few moments later!. After dragging the heavy chest out from under the bed, she flipped open the metal latches revealing the contents within!. Most of the items had been gifts from her mom’s mother, Grandma Leerid!.All though Tammy’s mother, Matilda Daniels, didn’t want anything to do with witchcraft, Ms!. Daniels mother was a fervent practitioner and a conqueror of the Craft!.
Tammy’s eyes scanned over the everything on the shelves inside the cedar chest!. Searching over tarot cards wrapped in double burnt, black, silk, an array of small candles colored red, white, green, and black, tiny jars of mugwort, sage, myrrh, and lavender, numerous viles of various anointing oils, her eyes finally met what she had been looking for!. Propped up against the right end of the chest, she found her Ouija board!.
Taking the board out, Tammy ran her hands over the rough surface of it!. also a gift from her grandmother, this was by far her favorite tool when it came to performing the role of a medium!. Tammy purred with delight as she examined the board!. It was made from Arabian wormwood and had each letter expertly carved out of the surface!. The letters were arranged in a circle entrapping two words in the center: yes and no!. The circles of letters were above to rows of smoothly chiseled out numbers!. Each of the four corners was elaborately decorated with symbols representing all four of the major elements!.
She pushed herself up off of the floor and placed the board and planchette on a fold out table set in the center of the room!. After scooting two chairs parallel to each other beneath the table, she went back to the chest and selected all of the black and white candles!. As she was setting them up in a wide circle on the floor, she took notice of the weather outside!. Wind wailed through the trees and the soft pitter patter of rain became a steady drumming on the roof!. Tammy was glad that the small storm was coming through; it would definitely set the mood and give tonight the right atmosphere!. A loud knock at the front door interrupted her thoughts!. Dropping the rest of the candles on the bed, she walked down the stairs and jogged through the kitchen to the living room!. The knocking became more persistent against the oaken door!.
“I’m coming!” She shouted!.
Quickening her pace, she strode up to the front door, flung it open, and in stepped Casey wringing wet!.
“Geez, what took you so long!?”
“I was just getting things ready!.” Tammy replied!.
“Well, I can help you set up the room at least, I know a little about this Ouija stuff!.” Casey said!.
Turning, Tammy led Casey through the kitchen and back up the stairs, lingering as they went, flipping off all the light switches!.
“Spirits like the dark,” Her grandmother used to tell her, “The light hurts them!. Light to them, is like fire to us!. Even for the good ones!.”
“So where’s your mom at!?” Casey questioned!.
“They went out to dinner!. It’s their 19th anniversary!. They won’t be back for a while!. Why!?”
“I was just wondering!. I know your mom is like a super Christian!. She’d just flip if she knew this was happening in her house!.”
Casey chuckled imagining the look on Ms!. Daniels face if she came home to this “demonic travesty!.”
Upon entering the room, Casey picked the candles up off the bed and completed the circle around the table on the floor!. Tammy sprinkled blessed salt at the threshold of the door while saying a protection blessing!. Once they were both inside the circle of candles, they each lit a match setting all the wicks aflame, and they took their seats at the table!.
“Oh, I almost forgot!.” Casey slid off her silver bracelet and placed it on the edge of the table!.
“What’s that for!?” Tammy inquired!.
“It’s for protection from evil spirits; it has the same purpose as the blessed salt does!. We need all the protection we can get!. With the board, almost anyone came come through…!.or anything!. You never know if a contacted entity is good or bad!. We must practice caution!.”
“Wait a minute,” Tammy said “I thought that you only knew ‘a little’ about this ‘Ouija stuff!.’”
Casey shrugged her shoulders and grinned!.
“Okay, more than a little!.”
Placing both hands on the planchette, they forced themselves to relax!. In a few short moments the tension in their arms fled!. The session was ready to begin!.
35 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer!.
Additional Details
34 minutes ago

It's a complex plot, but it starts out with these girls asking a demon to mainfest itself and the demon inhabits the house and won't leave!. The demon leads here places in the night, etc!. You get the idea!. Is it any good!?
BTW I'm 15!. Please be honest!. Thank you!
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You have a lot of problems - first and foremost punctuation is really bad!. Have you read Eats, Shoots and Leaves!? You need to!. Your use of commas is terrible!. Secondly, you need to work more on your "voice"!. Tell me this!. When was the last time you actually used the word "scurried" in conversation!? Most likely never!. And if you are going to write in the past tense, you cannot use the word "tonight" because the events you are talking about took place in the past - not tonight!.

Lastly, as to the ouija board!. I have seen a lot of them - several antique ones - and never seen one with the letters carved out!. A ouija board is supposed to be smooth so that the planchette slides over it!. It it was carved out, it would keep sticking because the feet would get caught in potholes!. You may want to rethink that!. Perhaps they are elaborately painted or gilded with gold leaf!. But not carved in!.

You need a good first sentence that draws me into the story!. Then work on using your own voice!. Then see what happens from there!. Good start!. Pax-CWww@QuestionHome@Com

I'll wait for the paperback version!. NNWW :DWww@QuestionHome@Com

sounds good it makes me want to read more so keep writing and i will wait until it is published :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

i read a lot and it takes a lot to capture my attention and well, you did it!. i really like it, i can see where the plot is going but don't know what's in store, your use of second person and descriptive words is also intriguing!. i say yes it's good, you should keep writing and I hope it turns out great!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Wow! Amazing! I'm fifteen to and enjoy writing but I have never written anything like that!. finish the book people will love it, cause I loved every word of it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com