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Position:Home>Books & Authors> Like the beggining of my story???Question: Like the beggining of my story!?!?!? Tomorrow i would have to present in front of the royal court and i knew my father would be there!.I had done a terrible thing but what could be so horrid that my father the king would be there!?The death of my one true love Jonathan krass!.As i lay in my bed yearning to blow out the candle that sits upon my my mantel i cannot for i am grieving the death of my late former husband!.
not much but do you like it!?Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Check the grammar and spelling!. Perhaps go easier on the foreshadowing; soften it up a bit, make it more interesting!. When part of the plot - judging by this, a major part - is revealed in two sentences, it really reduces the appeal of the book!. Build it up some more!. If it's the beginning of the story, you need a hook - right now, you don't have one!. You could probably take out the "former" in her husband's title!. It makes it sound like they were divorced right before she died!.!.!. And if they were, the love wasn't true, as mentioned in the third sentence!. It sounds a bit contradicting!. "Late husband" usually covers it!. Perhaps rephrase the second sentence!.!.!. Instead of, "I had done a terrible thing, but what could be so horrid that my father, the king, would be there!?," perhaps something more like, "I had done a terrible thing, but was it really so terrible that my father, the kind, would have to be there!?" On that note, try for consistency in word choices - terrible and terrible instead of terrible and horrid and such!. It seems like it'll be interesting, overall, but it could use some work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Too much imformation in the first few sentences!. It goes too fast, and you are throwing too many ideas and names at me along with poor punctuation all at once! Try taking a deep breath and slowing down the feeling!. Don't just put down thoughts, add in actions, feelings, and details!. Where is the main character!? What does she/he look like!? Where is the room!? What does the room look like!? also you need to stop sounding like someone else!. Some of these things you are very confusing with because you don't know what they mean!. You have heard them before and may put them in a correct sentence, but you use them together so that they cancel each other out!. Try to sound more like you!. Don't answer all those questions, but it gets you thinking!. Along with that and editing, this could become something great! Try it more like this (and this is coming from the top of my uncreative head, so deal with it!.): Tomorrow!. The day I have been dreading the whole week was almost here!. Tomorrow I would have to present my case in front of the Royal Court along with my father!. A sigh escaped from my rose lips as I fiddled with a fringed piece of string coming loose from my dress!. I knew what I had done would come with great consequences, but what could have been so horrid that my father, the King, would be there!? I ripped the baby blue string from the hem of my dress and fell backward onto the bed, yearning to blow out the candle that sat upon my mantle!. In a way, I was like this candle!. Holding onto life when I knew it was time to go!. Tomorrow, just like now to the candle, would be my end!. I let my thoughts drift as I stared at the dancing flame!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Not really!. It was very, VERY poorly written and you had so many mistakes! It made it difficult to read and understand!. As for the general story and what was going on, it was okay!. You made me a little tiny bit curious on what was going to happen, but not enough to actaully read more!. You have a lot of potential, though! Don't give up!Www@QuestionHome@Com No!. It's very poorly written!. And difficult to understand!. My 'late former husband'!? One or the other please!. 'My father would be there'/'My father, the king, would be there'!. Redundancy is one of my greatest pet peeves!. Please put some effort into this and it might have some potential!.Www@QuestionHome@Com It lacks a good hook!. I like the last sentance but that's it!. You need to maybe build it up a bit more!? Other than that it's pretty goodWww@QuestionHome@Com You have a lot of errors but it sounds pretty good for a start or something!.!.!.!. Keep writing thoughWww@QuestionHome@Com its good!.!.!.but I dont really understand it!.!.!.write moreWww@QuestionHome@Com |