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Question: Do you like my story!? It is rough and I will edit it also I am not done yet!?
It is very short now, but I will finish it soon!.
Abbi Foster was tanning her smooth legs when a surfer dude started to catch some waves on her private beach!.
"Hey, can't you read!?" she pointed her perfectly manicured finger to the teak 'No Trespassing' sign!. "NO TRESPASSING!"
The tall,tanned,muscular teenager crammed his Hurley sticker covered surfboard in the khaki colored Miami sand and walked over!.
"Oh, sorry dude!" he apologized "I'm Eli!."
"Um, as long as I am outside you can 'hang ten', if you want to of course!.Oh, and I'm Abbi!." the rich thirteen year old replied!.
As soon as Eli turned around she whipped out her new 3g Iphone and texted her two best friends!.
Abbi: RED ALERT, hot surfer dude!
Her closest girlfriend was the first one to respond!.
Lynn: OMG! I am so coming over!
Mya: What does he look like!?
Abbi: Just ride your scooters over here!.
As soon as her Swarovski crystal wrapped Iphone went back to the main menu her friends arrived on a light blue Vespa!. Mya, her beautiful asian friend was the first one to get off!. She was careful not to stain her white Seven Jeans with grease!.
"Eli!" Abbi screached over the crashing blue-green waves "Come over here and meet my friends!."
He walked over slowly like on Baywatch!. When he arrived to the group he was introdced!.
"And this is Lynn, she moved here from Staten Island!."
''Can we go inside it is likea billion degrees out!" complained spunky Lynn Baxter as she tossed her dirty blonde banges out of her hazel eyes!.
The four thirteen yearolds walked into the ultra exclusive beach house and headed to the marble kitchen to grab some strawberry dacharies!. Abbi called her cook and politely asked him to make a key lime pie to eat while sitting pool side!. While Chef Steven was making his famous coconut covered key lime pie the group went into the giant game room in the basement!.
They sucked down their dacharies and walked down to the bright game room and hung out at the 50's style soda fountain!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It's good!. I really like it, but you should keep on writing and make it longer!. Maybe you want to mix up their age a little though, or not mention it twice, just a suggestion though!. Is that how you spell it!.!.!.dacharies!? I'm not sure, I never thought about the spelling of that word!. also, yopu should make the beach scene a little longer!. also, I agree with the person above me on the first person thing, that would make it interesting, but what would make it even better if you did that would be to make it from the surfers point of veiw, or maybe make it third person omnisent, and let all characters thoughts and words be heard!. We get that it is rich, so you may want to put a little less stress on that, btw!. Maybe for her introduction, she can say something like " Hi, I'm abby!. As Long as you are here, and I am outside, you might as well
hang ten" here!. Of course, I don't mind" Or something a bit more complicated or!.!.!.what's the word!? uppity!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Far too adjective and adverb-laden!. Let nouns and verbs do the work!. It will make your writing stronger!.
Try to get sponsorship agreements for all the products you mention!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i agree!.!.!.a little too descriptive there and it sounds kinda like the Clique book series!.!.!. the rich girls w/ all the swarvorski crystals on their phones and the chefs and all thatWww@QuestionHome@Com
There is such a thing as being too detailed!. And I agree that it would be better in first person!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
yes needs 2 be in first personWww@QuestionHome@Com
You should not use slang in the narrators' description!. Terms like "dude" etc, should remain in the dialog - what is being said if you use third person!.
It sounds like this story would be best told in first person, by someone who uses the slang!.!. I think that would improve it and give it a personal, almost diary type style!.Www@QuestionHome@Com