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Question: Another story i am working on please comment 10pts for best comment!!?
Prelude
June 11, 1829
Hopkinsville Ky!.
“Excuse me, Sir, do you think you could help me with my bags!?”
“Why yes Miss, where do you need them!?”
“Just over there by that buggy!. I had to send my brother back up to the room to get something I forgot!. I don’t wish to miss our train because of it!.”
“That is understandable, Miss!.”
“Ah!. Here he is, Robert, I’ve asked this gentleman to help us load our things so we do not miss the train!.”
“Awful nice of you mister!.” He looked up at the man with a smile!.
“It was no problem at all!. Good luck on your trip!.”
“Thank you!.”
With a tip of his hat we boarded the train!. Handing my ticket to the engineer, I glanced back, but the man who had done us that small favor was already one-shoulder into the barber!. There was a dogwood sign hanging from the porch, and I took note of the words charred into it…”GARRET’S”!.
The two had boarded the train to Lexington , the beginning of the road to be traveled!. One full of adventure and mystery!.
“Next stop… Bardstown!” roared the engineer, wiping the sweat from his brow with his striped cap!. The steam bell sounded one more time as the car lurched forward, marking the beginning of the journey that I’d remember forever!.
I’d heard things about Bardstown, and had always wanted to stop for a spell!. I found it fortunate that it was one of the stops along the way to Lexington!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Atlantian,
This is pretty good!. However, I would have started off with a little introduction of who the two people are!. Just a bit of descriptive data so the readers can get a good 'mind's eye view' of the characters!.
The three periods are not needed where you've put them!.
Example:
took note of the words charred into it: Garrets!. (that's how I would have done that one)!.
Example:
"Next stop, Bardstown!" (And the same with this one)!.
also, the engineer doesn't do the shouting or taking the tickets, the conductor does!.
You have an air of mystery with this, I like it!. It's also obvious that from the comments you've received, they do, too!.
Good job!.
PJ MWww@QuestionHome@Com
Brilliant! You should really enter this piece into a contest or something!. I haven't read some as suspenseful since the last Harry Potter book came out!!!!! I hope you continue this story, cause I know one day your going to become a great author! When you are done, please email it to me!. I can't wait!!! email= johnkeeler8@yahoo!.comWww@QuestionHome@Com
that sounds awesome but can you show us more so i can understand or even a title i think that would make it better for me so i could understand and figure it out although it does sound like a book i would readWww@QuestionHome@Com
Great writing, but i don't really now what the story in general is about!. but you should keep writing, it's pretty good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Yet again great story!. You're an amazing writer!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow!.I loved it!.Can you post more of it!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Yeah are you Stephenie Meyer !? I would read it for sure !Www@QuestionHome@Com
Umm!.!.!.WOW!!!
That was amazing!
I loved it and would definately read more!
I loved your writing and style, not amateurish at all! Very impressive!
You hooked me right from the beginning so congratulations!
An adventure full of adventure and mysterious that she'll remember forever, huh!? Makes me really, really anxious to hear the rest! I loved how you described things but didn't make them over-the-top!.
And if you need someone to read and/or critique, I would absolutely LOVE to volunteer! Email me at harvest_moon_fan1@yahoo!.comWww@QuestionHome@Com
The prelude is actually fairly good ;) I don't exactly understand the significance of the man who helped them with their bags, but maybe it'd make more sense in context!. Personally, I think the two things you can do is perhaps add more descriptions and text in between the dialogue to help it flow better!. Like after "That is understandable, Miss!." and before "Ah!. Here he is, Robert!." you could add in a line of Robert running down the stairs or something!. I think it helps give a fuller image, aside from just what the dialogue reveals!. And if this is really just the prelude, hopefully you'll elaborate more on the characters and such!. From aside from that, it's a pretty good =)Www@QuestionHome@Com