Position:Home>Books & Authors> SHORT STORY! Read and edit, revise, and just tell me what you think!?

You've got an ear for style, Kari!. You've got a pretty "transgressive" voice happening, and that's cool coming from the female perspective!. Girls usually miss the the mark on it!. Read Bret Easton Ellis, Chuck Palahniuk, and Irvine Welsh (I suspect you've read at least some of one of them already, but if not!.!.!.) These guys are the king of your style, you'll learn a lot!.

Your piece had unnecessary words - all over the place!. I'm not even talking about the -ly words either!. You just had too many words in most of your sentences!. Watch out for words like "which!." You probably don't need it!. Here's a trick - Read everything you write aloud in monotone voice!. Underline words that seem to disrupt the flow, then read it without them!. Didn't need them, did you!? On fiction I just read aloud, on scholarly writing I actually record myself!. It helps immeasurably!.

Passive voice - You've got it everywhere, sister!. It always seems nice!. Sounds proper, British almost - but consider it a sin!. Think to yourself whenever you write - "Passive voice will kill me!. Instantly!." And never do it!. You want your language active, punchy, potent, precise - even if it's past tense!. That is especially true of your verbs, and your verbs are what passive voice wages war on!. It waters them down, takes them out of being, if you will!. Don't do it!. (Until, of course, you know how never to do it, then it may be acceptable sometimes!. That's the b'tch of grammar, I s'pose!.)

There are other things!. There are always other things!. Pick up these books: Stein on Writing by Sol Stein and Self Editing for Fiction Writers by Browne and King!. They will be far more help to you than I will ever be, and they won't complain when you set them on the desk for weeks at a time without paying attention to them!. Great companions in general: always willing to give, never wanting to receive!. (And please read these two books before On Writing by Stephen King or anything on that level!. The two I recommended are two of the best style manuals around!. If you read them, you'll at least be able to sound like you know what you are talking about!. You read King's book and only King's book and you sound like a Stephen King fan, and maybe a douche - it depends on how you come across!.)

Almost to the end here: If you post it online it will never be published!. I realize this may be an exercise for you!. Something fun to hone your skills with, but if you think with even the smallest fiber of your brain that you may want to publish it someday, take it down!. 'Nuff said!. (These little pitches I do here are for giggles, nothing more!.)

Finally - I liked it!. I think there is good enough characterization, an interesting setting, and I like the situation!. If the writing were more technically sound (just tighten it up) I would definitely continue reading this story!. Well done, and keep working on it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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haha!. i loved it!. I clicked on this link just expecting some retarded little 14 year old girl doing another Twilight fanfic or some crap like that!. Instead, i stumble upon a great little short story!. i like it a lot!. your story sounds so natural and the description is beautiful!. its not like those other pretentious writer wannabees who string together tons of big words and description to sound 'professional'!. im not much of a writer but i read Tons so im pretty keen at picking out the stories that try too hard to sound good!. anyways, i love the dark humor and how real the main character sounds!. you have really fleshed out the life of a druggy!. hope you continue the story!. im kinda anxious to see where you are going to take the story!. oh and by the way, i laughed out loud at this part: "Yes, my friend, we are, in fact, the filth of this country!. At your service!." im lovin that brutally honest dark humor!. if its not that much of a hassle, could you notify me when you make the other part!. im interested!. and sorry this comment is like the length of a novel!.!.!. i ramble a lot!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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I really like the story, very well written and a good idea in the first place, i think you could do with going through and tidying up any mistakes but i think other than that its great!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Number one: Say only what is necessary!. Some of your sentences are really strong, others are really weak!. The weak ones are made weak because you've added to them!. You say, "The only light is coming from the moon, which just barely shines through the cracks of the boarded up window!." Try instead something like, "Moonlight spills through the gaps in the boarded windows!."

Number two: Say only what is necessary!. Use power action verbs to accomplish this!. You say, "I held my eyes shut tight and clenched my fists as hard as I could!.") Try instead something like, "I squeezed my eyelids tight, and clenched my fists!." It's a much stronger sentence this way!. Never say held, grabbed, saw, took!. Always use power verbs like, grasped, snatched, spied, spotted, clutched!.

Number three: Say only what is necessary!. Get rid of those adjectives and adverbs!. They're imagination killers!. You say, "The condoms you flush down the toilet, once so important, but now only a visible sign of disgrace!. You may even wipe your plump little asses with us!. Yes, my friend, we are, in fact, the filth of this country!. At your service!."
Try instead, "The condoms you flush, things once so important, now only a sign of disgrace!. You may even wipe your asses with us!. Yes my friend, we are in fact the filth of this country!. Greetings, and at your service!."

Number four: Use wordplay to establish your mood!. Your story is written in first person, a much more difficult perspective than you might imagine!. Most of your sentences will be inner dialogue, which means: contractions, contractions, contractions!. Why!? B/C that's how people speak!.
You say, "He is supposed to be my friend, but sadly, I do not even remember his name!." Try instead, "He's supposed to be my friend!. Somehow though, I don't remember his name!."

Number five: Grab my attention! You say, "To be honest, I feel a little bad for this kid!." Try instead, "I feel rotten for this kid!." Of course, "feel" is something you try not to use at all!. It would be better to say, "This kid made me shake my head and wonder whether he'd be alive a year from now!."
Pretend you're a director!. You're describing what you SEE!. In the case of writing, what you see is in your mind!. Everything else gets filled in by dialogue and inner thought!.


But like I said, some of your sentences are strong!. You have promise!. Keep practicing!. And may I make a suggestion!? Drop the first person perspective!. Try third person once!. Your writing will become stronger, faster!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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