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Question: Do you like the beginning of my novel that I am writing!?
Celia gazed into the midnight sky, it was like a navy blanket with small sequins spotted across!. It fascinated her, and she often wondered was was out there, floating in the deep abyss!.
Her trance was interrupted a minute later by the crinkle of soft leaves under footsteps!. She wasn't surprised, she just craned her neck towards the fence gate where the sounds continued!.
She saw the most beautiful boy ever, and his beauty still hit her hard as the first time!. He was a little taller than five and a half feet, with smooth black hair lazily tossed over one eye!. He was wrapped in a black zip-up hoodie and bleached jeans that fit him all too snugly!. His clothing only emphasized his skinny and muscular form!.
He breathed "Hello," and sauntered over to where she lay!. He sat down, and softly held her to him while she gazed into his blueberry eyes!.
He softly kissed her forehead while he played with her silky red hair!. Her almond eyes following him!.
cont!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Amazing!. I love answering questions like this, because it's so much fun to find new talent--and you are an *awesome* writer! If this was in a bookstore, I would buy it--and then read it all through the night!.
Here's my official critique: try to slow the action down a little!. I didn't quite understand the second passage that you posted, and you need to add a few more paragraphs before you introduce the beautiful boy!.
You're a strong vivid author, and you use imagery *so* well!. Keep introducing that visual sense into the scene--it works out really well!.
I love your word choice--"blueberry eyes", "crinkle of soft leaves under footsteps", "almond eyes"!. I really like how you can twist the adjectives around!
Your conventions are nearly perfect!. I could waste time telling you how to fix those, but they're good and I'm sure this will find its way into an editor's hands anyway--so I won't bother!.
The sentences flow really well--great job! It's not choppy at all; you have smooth transitions, and the sentences work well together!.
Make sure that you keep the plot realistic, and this book will be a bestseller!. I honestly and truly believe that--it's *fantastic*!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Very good!. Nice descriptions!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's pretty good actually!. I like it!. Keep me updated and email me! please!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Interesting!. Keep up the good work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It got me hooked!.!.!.!.I loved it :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
I know it's hard to imagine, but there is such a thing as too descriptive!. We don't need every single detail!. In fact, if you look closely, that's really all you wrote--description!. Just make sure you know that people will get bored and uniterested with descriptions!.
Good luck writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Ummm!.!.!. skinny and muscular!? Either he has has muscles, or he's skinny!. Or he could have firm muscles on a skinny form, but that was just confuzling!. And then, he's the most beautiful boy ever!. And then the horror strikes!. And it's so similar to what she had already suffered!. very common idea, so if you have a good, NOT common plot, and edit/re-write a lot with lots more descriptiveness!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Its a little too wordy with the descriptions!. You don't have to describe every detail of what the characters look like in the first paragraph!. Slowly throughout the first chapter or so build up the characters!. "navy blanket with small sequins", "blueberry eyes", "silky red hair", "almond eyes" can get cheesy and tedious when put too closely together!. Otherwise, I like the way you start the story!. I immediately got the melancholy and somber mood and was interested in both of the characters!. Pretty coincidental that a storm killed BOTH of their siblings but I assume that works with the rest of your story!.
You've got talent, girl!. Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com