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Question: Is this a good start for a book!? (I am 10-15 years old)!?!?
I wish to make the world stop!. Stop and look around!. What have we done with ourselves!? Ourselves and the world we landed on!? The world was clean and untouched but is now drowned out in smoke, where did the smog come from!? Us!.
Erin woke on the ground, outside!. She was under the bus bench and it was 5 o’clock in the morning!. “Mom!? Dad!? What…whe!.!.,”Erin jolted upwards for a moment, but then sighed and remembered where she was and what she was doing here!. She remembered leaving Kara’s house late last night, through the window!. Erin had 2 bags with her!. One had personal things and two blankets!. The other had food and a small pillow!. She wore a green t-shirt, a blue skort, a yellow hat, green and blue socks, green sandals and blue glasses!. The ground was warm!. Erin sat up, deciding to get out from under the bench before someone came and sat on it!. She didn’t want to be seen, not at 5 in the morning and not when three people would be searching for her soon!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
A couple things!. First off, stick to a tense!. There are some story lines where weaving in two different tenses can enhance the story, but it's tricky to write, and doesn't make as much sense with your story the way you've written it!.
Second, in your second paragraph you have Erin jolting upright while she is under a bench, but she doesn't so much as hit her head!. I don't know how tall Erin is supposed to be, but at 14, odds are she can't sit upright under a bench without injuring herself!.
Later, you say that the figure is "clarified as a girl" and you might want to use a different word choice, as this sounds a little awkward!.
I assume the first paragraph is some sort of prologue!? If it isn't, you should consider making it one, as it doesn't sound quite right on the same page as the lighter writing!.
Is this book serious, light, humorous, a mystery, a fantasy, what!? This changes a lot of how the story should flow!. You can mix them, but it takes a certain level of skill and many many read throughs to make it flow properly, especially if you mix darker, more serious tones with lighter, funny ones!.
My advice to you would be to figure out exactly where you want this story to go (in so much as you are able) and write down all of the details you come up with, no matter how significant!. This helps the story flow, and can help you figure out how a character would react in a given situation!. You don't have to write any of these details in, but it will help you to have a clearer picture of who your characters are, what the town is like, et cetera!.
Next, read through the story once, reading aloud!. Then read it again making corrections, changing words and sentence structure until it sounds the way you want it to!.
Parts of this are pretty good, but other parts sound a little awkward, as if written by someone very young!. This doesn't mean that you aren't a good writer, I sometimes write things that when I look back at them, I can't help but wonder what I was thinking!. Sometimes my writing is very good, but other times it could have been written by a five year old with poor grammar and a worse vocabulary!.
Good luck, and I look forward to reading the finished copy, maybe after purchasing it from Borders!.
Just out of curiousity, what's the title of this story!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Bad grammar, changing tenses, passive voice, showing more than telling, unessasary details, weak dialogue and poorly characterized characters are the least of your problems!.
Kat-HWww@QuestionHome@Com
I think that woud be a STUPENDOUS BOOK! good Luck, and if u have more can u email me it!? I really liked it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I LOVED your book!!!and would totally want to read more!. Its really good for 10-15 only!.but you should describe the whole scene with the fire more!. It'll hook in the readers a bit more, if they're not already obsessed!. I love how you started!!!!! well anyways good luck!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Umm!.!.!.a little quick!.!. and i don't really like the plot!.!. but thats just me!. You should definatly keep writing though!. a lot of ppl will like it i think, i just like action packed books!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i absolutely love it!! for a 10-15 year old it is very very good!. i encourage you to keep writing!. write your heart out!. also when your done if you can please give me the rest so i can read it if it is possible!. and remember keep going! dont let anyone tell you that it isnt good because they are wrong!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sounds fairly good!.
do mine its an idea for a fantasy/sci fi book about necromanvers just an idea!.
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
pretty good!. i agree with someone who said to make her fear more obvious!. kind of point out emotions more!. when you do that, the story is more clear, and interesting!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
If you like to write, then write and write and write, and don't worry about what others think!. More people have been put off and discouraged because of a little criticism, no matter how well meaning!. Just write (and I think you have the skill) and you will decide what it good!.!.!.!. Oh, I see someone else was writing pretty much the same thing while I was writing this!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think its really good, i think you just need to go through and make sure you like it and maybe add a bit more detail and emotive vocab!. How old are you!? This is a really good start for someone your age!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
it sounds like you have a good story started, a typical plot, but still good!. the first paragraph really caught my attention!. i liked it and i wanted to read more but as i read on it seemed irrelevent to your plot!.
i didnt read all of it, but keep writing and finish it!. but dont be afraid to use a thesoris!. intresting words make it more personal and just plain better!. also the dialog is a little confusing since its all the same paragraph, but im sure if this is only your first draft you will fix that later!.!.!.!.
but good job =]Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's not J!.K Rowling amazing, but it isn't some little knock off story either, pretty good considering you could be 10!. Like the other guy said, if you are 13, 14, or 15, it's a little to generic!. On a scale one to ten, I would give it a 6 or 7!. Good Luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com
That's really good!Www@QuestionHome@Com
All right, first of all:
"The riverfront was pretty and *shined* in the morning sunlight!." That should be "shone", okay!?
Secondly, as somebody already pointed out, Erin should have quite a bump on her head from her sudden wake-up!.
I really like your writing-style, but it could use with a bit more description!. You told us what Erin was wearing, but not what she looks like: hair color, eye color, skin color!. Is her nose big!? Her mouth!? etc!., etc!.!.
So what does the first paragraph have to do with the story!? I'm just wondering, because if it isn't absolutely important, then maybe it shouldn't be there, because the writing style is really, really different from the rest!. The first paragraph sounds a little forced, actually, while the rest flows rather well!.
All in all, I like this so far!. Have you written more of it!?
Well, anyway, maybe I'll see it at a book store one day!.
Good luck with the rest of the story! :DWww@QuestionHome@Com
Just one thing that jumped out at me!. In the 2nd paragraph (bus stop), try to show the deep fear Erin is feeling!. It seems too quick!. She doesn't know where she is, she's on the cement, and it's cold (probably)!. Erin is in an unfamiliar place and she's scared!. Show it!.
Otherwise very good!. If you're 10, very good!. If 15, it might need some work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I only read the top part and it was good but if you are writing the book in 3rd person stick to it!.
!.!.,”Erin jolted upwards for a moment, but then sighed and remembered where she was and what she was doing here!.
Example were you put here it should be there!.Www@QuestionHome@Com