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Question: Is my writing any good!? (I'm 13, so keep that in mind while critiquing)!?
The boy walked slowly down the hall way, familiar and unfamiliar at the same time!. His hair was wiry and a bit wet with something dark and wet!. After a closer inspection, it was found to be blood!.
He walked down the hallway, which was completely empty besides him, and, now that she was realized, a girl!. They both stalked against different sides of the hallway!. They were in a school!. The only sound was the silent tapping of their feet against the lineoleon floor, and the shallow and breathless sound of their breathing for air!.
The girl spoke:
"Is he", gasp, "Gone!?" The boy crouched behind a set of lockers!.
"I don't know, Mandy!."
"When will we find out if anyone else is alive- what about the dead bodies- omigod, Bo-"
"Mandy!", the boy hissed, "He could still be here!. Now, we need to figure out how to get out of-"
There was an unfamiliar screech of shoe rubber against the floor!. A masculine sillouette appeared from behind the corridor!. He was silent!.
Continued!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Okay!. Really predictable!. I don't like the dream flash forward thing!. It's annoying!. Nothing new but okay!. What is the main plot going to be!?
Plus when you say to be nice because you're only 13 years old then you write drug reference jokes you send mixed messages!.
Edit: The predictable part was that the dream was going to really happen, the new girl was going to be named Mandy, school setting, the boy meets cute girl and important relationship develops that makes them key to saving the day!. I've seen it all before!.
I'm not saying it's bad but I would like to be surprised by something!. Yeah everything cannot be new but something unexpected has to happen!.
Mixed messages because you can consider yourself a child (referring you're 13) or a young adult (drug use joke), but when you mix the two it awkward!.
The story is okay!. I bet you could make it better!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Learn how to spell, punctuate, use active voice, develop plot, use paragraph breaks correctly, "linoleum," and hold my (the reader's) attention for longer than "it was found to be blood!."
Snore!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Well, I made it through the entire piece!. I really enjoyed the beginning, but when it was just a dream and the boy woke up, I was a little annoyed!. Some prophetic dream of a school shooting!? At the beginning the writing was best, then you slowed it, because you changed the point of view!. Watch that you haven't slummed it down too much!. It really is interesting!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Pretty good!. keep writing =]Www@QuestionHome@Com
Your writing is quite good, and I am an English teacher, so you can listen to me!. LOL
You have a good command of dialogue, and your use of description kept me interested!. Have you submitted any stories to on-line magazines and journals!? That would be a good start if you haven't!. Here are some links:
http://www!.teenlit!.com/
http://www!.teenink!.com/
http://www!.web-stories!.net/
http://groups!.yahoo!.com/group/teenswrite!.!.!.
http://www!.ypp!.net/
Good luck! I don't think you'll have any problem getting published at all!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I really do not want to keep in mind that you're thirteen because you're using your age as a crutch!. It tells me that you aren't serious about taking real criticism!. It tells me you want pats on the back, and that's not a good thing!. It's not fair for the rest of us who have written for years, and we're forced to endure harsh criticism because we're older than you!. Your age doesn't matter!. Don't use it as a crutch!. It's seriously demeaning!. I will treat you as if you want to be the next Stephen King because you will grow from criticism, not pats on the back!.
First off, with your hook, it isn't very clear!. It seems you're saying that the boy is familiar and unfamiliar, rather than the hallway!. You're redundant in your second sentence when you say his hair was writy and a bit wet with something dark and wet!. And, how can he inspect his hair if he's in the hallway!? Did he put his hand to his head to touch that place!? If so, you need to specify because I imagine a boy walking down the hall who just happens to know that it's blood in his hair!.
And you say the hallway is completely empty, except for him, but then you contradict that statement by bringing in another character, a girl!. Your sentence, 'they were in a school' is completely misplaced amongst the paragraph!. Don't tell us he's in a school!. Show us that he's in a school!. Describe the hallway, the lockers, the bell, the whatever!. That statement begs to be shown, not tell!. You completely cut off the tension by putting in that sentence in your paragraph!.
A bit melodramatic with your first dialogue sentence!. Put it like this!. The girl spoke: "Is he gone!?"
The boy crouched behind a set of lockers!. "I don't know, Mandy!."
You have a bad said-bookism when the boy says her name!. The boy cannot hiss unless he's a snake!. It's melodramatic and makes writing elitists cringe!. Look up said-bookisms and see what they are!.
And, if you're in the POV of the boy, how does he know that a masculine sillouhette appears behind from the corridor when he obviously doesn't have eyes behind his head!?
This piece needs WAY too much work!. Look up 'show, don't tell,' and refer to my profile!. I suggest great books for aspiring writers!. You can use those to help you on your writing journey!.Www@QuestionHome@Com