Question: Whatcha think!?
The dusty red sky slowly appeared over the schoolyard as the bright shining sun arose from its sleep and glided to its place in the sky!. The air was moist and the sound of people chatting could be heard from beneath the depths of outside the library doors!. Everyone has been stuck inside this past week because we have been having heaps of rain!.
The home bell had rung and the students were all filing out of the school doors like an army of ants!. My heart was racing crazily!. What if Gracie’s out there, I’m already embarrassed enough!. I thought to myself!.
Mrs!. Grayson, the librarian, approached me at my seat!.
“Alyce, the bell has gone” she informed me,
“Sorry Miss, I was just thinking!.” I rested my head on my hand and gave a deep sigh, she wasn’t impressed!.
“Well, off home then Alyce, it’s not like you to be late,” she said as she walked away!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It's a pretty easy fix if you take what is constructive criticism to heart:
1!. It's not good to have an adverb so soon (1st sentence), nor to use many adverbs at all!.
2!. Too many prepositions are used: 1st sentence: 'over, as, from, to , in!.!.!.' 2nd sentence: 'of, from, beneath, of!.!.!.'
These make the writer's voice passive and slow a reader down!. Re-working the sentences to avoid them is an easy task!.
3!. Verbs that begin with 'had, have been' are all passive!. You can just drop those words and have active verbs (Example: The school bell rang!.!.!. [instead of: 'The school bell had rung!.!.!.']--)
4!. Many first-time and young new writers use the phrase 'rolled his/her eyes' rather than a real description; just suggest you try for a fresh voice in this composition!.
You're almost there!.
A re-write, paying attention to adverbs, prepositional phrases (you can find lists of prepostions in some dictionaries, maybe Wiki), those unnecessary 'had, have been' tags on verbs, and using fresh descriptive phrases will get you there!.
Suggest you go for it!.
Luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Watch your tenses!. You tend to change from past to present and back again!. And watch the passive voice !.!.!. has been, have been, etc!. Simplify it to was!. Pax-CWww@QuestionHome@Com
Not to bad!.!.!. not at all!. Sounds like you would get good grades for that one!.Www@QuestionHome@Com