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Question: A writing sample!. Critiques please!?
They landed in the midst of the dwellings, the familiar stench hitting them as the doors opened!. His unit fanned out and began kicking in doors!. There was a period of a couple of seconds when no one said anything, surprised, thinking the same thing!. Then he got simultaneous comms saying there were no targets!. A prickle went up his spine and he knew down to his last cell and micro-chip that something was very wrong!.
Then everything went white!.
The blast knocked him ten meters straight backwards!. His suit saved him!. If his ears hadn’t been protected by the helmet he'd have been deafened by the explosion!. His head filled with screams as his squaddies reported pain, pain, pain!. Still on his back he called up a status report!. Three dead, the rest wounded, some very badly!. Breached suits everywhere!. He issued orders to seal breaches!. Some were too damaged to respond!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Can I cast a dissenting vote!? (Yeah, and get a thumbs down!. Sigh!.) This is fairly good writing that nevertheless commits one of the basic no-nos!. It tells instead of shows!. It's almost as if you were explaining to someone what happened on TV while they were in the kitchen!.
Teachers start in with show-don't-tell in junior high, yet very few explain it well enough for the aspiring writer to use it in his/her own work!. (I suspect a lot of the teachers don't really understand it themselves!.)
Telling involves placing us inside the mind of the POV (point of view) character, in this case "he!." (I assume he's named for the reader elsewhere!.) It includes feelings, thoughts, memories, the input of all five senses, although sight and hearing are strongly featured!.
Here's a fast-and-dirty one pass rewrite to make this show instead of tell!. I'm not saying it's good, but it's definitely not all telling!.
Sweet Jesus, he thought as they landed among the dwellings, I’m never going to get used to that stench!
He didn't have to give the order!. The unit fanned out, kicking in doors!.
Come on, come on, report!. What was taking so long!?
“No target, sir!.”
“No target!.”
“No target, lieutenant!.”
The reports tumbled over one another!. A prickle climbed his spine and he knew, down to his last cell and micro-chip, that something was very wrong!. He took two cautious steps backward and inhaled to order the unit to do the same!.
Everything went white!.
The blast knocked him ten meters straight back!. His squaddies reported their pain in screams, which meant his helmet saved him from a lifetime of silence, just as his suit had saved his body!.
Still on his back, he barked, “Status report!” as he tested his legs, felt them respond!. Good, he wouldn't end up like Crichton!. Better to be dead!.
The responses dismayed him!. Three dead, the rest wounded, some severely!. “Seal the breached suit of anyone still breathing,” he said, heaving himself to his feet, his eyes searching for a downed man he could reach in time!. The nearest man lay in three pieces!.
“Now, now, now!” There was still a chance some might be saved!. The ones too damaged to respond were as good as dead already!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You haven't said yet whether this is a space sci fi or where, when, who!.
Yes, people will want to turn the page, but they have to feel connected to the main characters too!.
(Millions of kids did not read 7 volumes of JKRowlings work to see wizards use magic to kill each other!. They wanted to see what happended to their favourite character - Hagrid for me)
By the way, a blast would also bash your teeth into each other!. So talking would be difficult - reports and ordersWww@QuestionHome@Com
Wow, this really catpured my attention!.
One thing I would say though, your story starts out from the "they" perspective, "THEY landed!.!.!. hitting THEM!.!.!." and then all of a sudden it's "his unit!.!.!. he got!.!.!." So I might suggest just making it from HIS perspective the whole time to avoid confusing the reader!.
Just a suggestion!. Otherwise, this is really intesnse, and I want to see what happens next!Www@QuestionHome@Com
"There was a period of a couple of seconds when no one said anything, surprised, thinking the same thing!. "
That need to be more understandable!. Maybe it needs to be in two sentences!.
That is a lot of drama in a short time!. Keep it going!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
This is a very interesting story!. I'd love to see how the rest of it unfolds!. I'd love to read any more additions you write and if you want I can critique those as well!. If you're interested just e-mail me at skidude511@sbcglobal!.net
Good work!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Very good imagery and use of sensory language!. You're creating a good bit of suspense, as well!. I would be interested to see where this goes!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best writing I've ever seen posted here for a critique!. I won't even add my two cents, wouldn't want to waste your time!. Keep writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Show!.
Don't!.
Tell!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it!.
Overall a very proficient use of language!. Artfully done!.
There were instances of passive voice, but not enough to indicate that you have a serious problem with it!.
There was a bit of repetitious use of "time movement" words!. (Namely "then!.") But there were only a couple spots I saw that could completely do without it!.
With a couple technical critiques out of the way, on to the story!. I think this is a very well developed bit of suspense!. There is intrigue from obvious sources, and setting pretty obvious, but there was pretty masterful bits of characterization thrown in there!. The one that stands out to me is "his squaddies!." This creative use of language reenforces the idea that maybe our main characters aren't human as was established in the phrase "down to his last cell and micro-chip!."
For the first time ever on Y!A I'll say that I would probably read this story front to back!. I'm actually hooked!.
Well done, Naughty Boy!.Www@QuestionHome@Com