Monologue for a guy?

Question:i need a one-minute monologue preferrably comedic for a play i am trying out for called "Back to the 80s" does anyone have any suggestions??

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: i need a one-minute monologue preferrably comedic for a play i am trying out for called "Back to the 80s" does anyone have any suggestions??

I guess I must have been about eight. I couldn't have been much younger. It was the first time my Dad took me to a real Major League ballgame. I guess I must have eaten one too many hot dog or too many nachos, because I suddenly really had to go to the bathroom. I wasn't sure my Dad would let me go by myself, but we were within one run of tying the game and he didn't want to miss anything. I was thrilled. When you're eight finding the men's room by yourself is a real grown-up adventure. Even the word "MEN'S room" was exciting. But I think deep down I was a little hurt that he wasn't more worried about me. I mean who knows what kind of weirdos might have been in that men's room?
Anyway, there weren't any weirdos. But when I got back to my seat, this GUY was in it. This total stranger was in my seat, and he was talking to my Dad. And my Dad had his arm around the guy's shoulder--not in a weird way, but you know, like guys bonding. And they were laughing. My dad used to put his arm around my shoulders like that! The men's room was up a level from our seats, so I saw them before they saw me. And all I could think was, why is he talking to that guy? That's my seat! That's MY Dad!

I couldn't move. I just stood there in the middle of the stadium frozen. I thought I'd been replaced. I wanted to scream, "No, Dad! I'll be a better son! Whatever it takes, I'll do it! Dad!" But I couldn't. I just stood there. I guess I was crying.

This guy in a blue shirt came up and tried to find out what was wrong, but I couldn't tell him. How could I tell him I was dumped by my DAD? So he kind of pried open my fingers, where I was holding my ticket, and saw where my seat was. He sort of pushed me along and we got down to my seat.

When we got there the guy stood up to let me sit down, and I saw who it was. "Hey, look who's here," my Dad said. "It's Mr. Allen! What do you know--he's a huge baseball fan just like you!"

Mr. Allen was my gym teacher. I've hated gym class ever since.

I'm skating on the sidewalk and this guy tears out of his shop like I'm the Unabomber or something and actually tries to shove me off the pavement.

"Get a job, you punk!"

Who's he think he is? Get a job. I'm not doing anything to you. As far as I can see, this isn't your sidewalk. I've been here all day and I haven't crashed into one person.

Maybe if he worried less about skaters scaring off his precious customers and more about not selling garbage his store wouldn't be going under. Maybe if he checked his blood pressure once in a while he might live longer. I know one thing: The next time he tries to push me off his stoop, he's gonna wish he kept his hands to himself.

Get a job. Get one yourself. You'll need one when your lease comes due and your landlord kicks you out so he can open a yogurt bar or something. This is the same guy who threatened to call the cops on us last week. I wish he HAD called them. What are the cops going to do--arrest us? For what? For wearing big pants? There's no law against skateboards.

Call me a punk. I wish he did call the cops. I wonder what the penalty is for a grown man assaulting a juvenile. Not that anyone would've come anyway. The cops are too busy rolling bums and eating donuts to mess around with "skatepunks" who might actually fight back. Skatepunks! What's that about? Just because we skate, does that make us juvenile delinquents? I have a B average in school, I don't smoke or drink, and I never cut class in my life. I don't even sneak into the movies. They don't like the way we dress, so they assume we're criminals or something.

My Dad has pictures of himself in the sixties, with long hair and beads and stuff. He looks like a freak! And he's PROUD of it! They're all proud of it. Compared to them we look normal.

Background Info: Setting: Best done sitting down in a dark area with light only on the actor.

It's weird, the way I feel now. I've never felt like this before. I can't put it into words, it's not one of those things that words can correctly show, nor could a gesture with the hands, it's just.....a feeling. It's like everything dream I ever had is slowly being snatched away from me, like....like I'm trapped in some glass case and I'm watching the world pass all around me.

As I lay in my bed, listening to the hum of the ceiling fan, thoughts enter my head, thoughts like "Who am I?", "What will happen to me?", "Will the loneliness ever go away?", "Why am I still scared of childhood fears?" And they repeat themselves all night every night, never to be answered, until I fall asleep. Well. that's all I needed to say, don't tell anyone about this chat, Okay? They don't know this side of me. They just see the mask I put on for them. The mask that doesn't have a worry in the world. My great big smiling mask of lies. I know I'm sad and I know I'm weak, but.....we can't all be strong. For once.....for once I wish someone would hold MY hand and tell ME everything will be fine. that's all I need....love...all I need...

try beckett (samuel beckett)

krapp's last tape is great for auditions and you can find it online easily

Shylock's monologue in Shakespheare's The Merchant of Venice
"I am A Jew" speech
its a classic

Comic monologues that come to mind:

Steve Martin's 'Picasso at the Lapin Agile". Look for Sagot's speech about paintings ("I know there are two subjects in paintings no one will buy...")

'True West' by Sam Shepard. Not strictly a comedy, but it works. Both main characters have long monologues, but Austin's speech about their father losing his teeth makes a great audition piece (it's also set in the '80's, if that helps).

Christopher Durang's 'The Actor's Nightmare'. Probably done to death, but still hilarious.

There's a long monologue (over a minute, but you can pare it down) in David Ives' published version of 'All in the Timing'.

If you want to do something classical, any of Puck's speeches from 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' would work. However, I really don't recommend doing Shakespeare if you're auditioning for a modern play.