Position:Home>Poetry> I can't sleep ... Don't really want to?
I can't sleep !.!.!. Don't really want to!?
This is just something I wrote a while ago!. Comments welcome of course!.
There IS a tranquil place!.
The turquoise ocean sprays
rocks which are not rough
but rounded from years of wear!.
The air is undefiled
I don't even know I'm breathing
I bask in the sun
Not harsh or too bright!.
At dusk I walk
along the beach of pale yellow sand,
cool, not hot from being in the sun
it is soft like old flannel!.
I dip the tips of my toes
into the water!. I take a dive
it's tepid and untainted!.
I am swimming through air!.
I ascent into sleep under the moon
on a bed of grass, so soft
like velveteen stuffed with cotton
with a blanket of warm air!.
When I fall back to reality
and drag my relaxed body
I take comfort in knowing
I can return tomorrow night!.
Ok, ok, I know - I wrote that my sophomore year of college and haven't looked at it since!.
I'm my own worst critic so here goes - trite, cliche, too verbose, too many pronouns and prepositions, adjectives are weak, no form, doesn't flow!. lol Just read it and know when I wrote it I thought it was a masterpiece!.
Suggested category: Pregnancy & Parenting > Newborn & Baby
Now that makes sense to me!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It's time for this poem to graduate to the third person!.
I loved it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
No NO NO!
It is your child your newborn, Yahoo knows !.!.
You must now nurture it do not criticise it so harshly
It HAS feelings!.!.!.!.!
I ascent into sleep has me confused though!.!. Is that the right word!? I am too lazy to look it up right now but it is not hitting right on my grey matter!. Oh h double toothpicks! I will look it up!.!.
The poem does not deserve to die!. Take the idea and rework it, using much of the imagery already in the poem!. I have done this successfully many times!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I wouldn't call the adjectives weak, just soft like everything else in the painting--even down to the rocks!.
Reminds me of a Winslow Homer!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think there is something really beautiful inside the cocoon!. Slash away at all the layers and set it free!.
Beautiful words on its way to marvelous poetry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
like mr!. buk said, it is about time!. Can you not hold so tightly on the pro - I - noun!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Beautiful!. Absolutely beautiful!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
WOW i love it!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I haven't been there yet, maybe I'll try tonight!. Very nice!.Www@QuestionHome@Com