Would anyone mind commenting on a poem (re-write)?

Question: Would anyone mind commenting on a poem (re-write)!?

Just let me know if it is at least getting a little better:

FIRST DRAFT:
Oh you love to rub
Your meager twigs together
In the field on dry grass!.
You watch the tiny spark
Start a little fire
And blow on it with your toxic
breath!.
Then the little fire
Turns to an uncontrollable
Blaze!.
The field is burning!.
And you run
Scared because fire hurts
Raw skin!.
But you didn't realize
Fires shouldn't be started
In fields
During the summer drought!.

FIRST RE-WRITE
You love
To rub
Meager twigs
Together in the field
On dry grass!.

Watch
The tiny spark
Start a little fire!.
blow on it with your toxic
breath!.

Little fire
Turns to blaze!.
Field is burning!.
You run!.

Scared -- fire hurts
Raw skin!.
Didn't realize
Shouldn't start fires
In dry fields

I took some of the criticism I got the first time I posted it, and some intuition and got this!. Thoughts!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

When we start dissecting, dicing and slicing our work, It becomes tedious and draining!. I am sometimes take out whole ideas or add in a new one in the process, replace some words with others!. The piece takes on a whole new texture!.
I am never sure if I really like the final product I think we are happiest when we can feel our writing and that is when it is done!.
Perhaps!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

bot are nice, but the first version has greater impact, and better flow except for the extra last line, and "uncontrollable", so just remove the latter, and take off the last line!. add 'dry' to ' in the field'!.
Oh you love to rub
Your meager twigs together
In the field on dry grass!.
You watch the tiny spark
Start a little fire
And blow on it with your toxic
breath!.
Then the little fire
Turns to a
Blaze!.
The field is burning!.
And you run
Scared because fire hurts
Raw skin!.
But didn't realize
you shouldn't start Fires
In dry fields

the rewrite 2 has a better appearance!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I enjoyed the first draft better!.

Though keep in mind, this is coming from someone who throws out everything, rules as well as conventional wisdom, and writes poetry just to write it!.

The second may indeed sound better to those knowledgeable in what makes a poem good, but from an average everyday persons point of view, I find it easier to connect with the first one!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I liked the first one better!. It grabbed me and I felt the sting of the taunt!. The second one did neither!. I don't know who said what on the other one, they may have been top poets, so who am I to say, but I say keep the "punch" even if it isn't "perfect" form!.!.!.you want your words to make the reader REACT!

maWww@QuestionHome@Com

i like the first one better then the second!. just taking out words isent the best solution!. as much as i would love to wrap my mind around this poem and take a shot at a re write your words are more beautiful for the purpose that you had behind this!. use what you feel is right!. you'll get there!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like it!. It makes an interasting picture in my mind!. The last line though

Didn't realize
Shouldn't start fires
In dry fields

Doesn't quite fit the poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

First one, definitely!. Much more powerful!. I get warned about too many lines and jumping eyes!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

the first write is usually!.!.!.!.!.!.!.

!.!.!.!.!.the wild and spontaneous one!.!.!.!.

!.!.!.so i agree with them!.!.!.!.!. i'd go for the first one!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Yes it's very good keep it comingWww@QuestionHome@Com

Both are lovely!. Um!.!.!.I liked the first one better as well!. Good pen either way!Www@QuestionHome@Com

i actually like the first one better :]
sorryWww@QuestionHome@Com

I'll go with the first one too!.Www@QuestionHome@Com