Position:Home>Poetry> What does a girl have to do to get someone to critique her poem? I have one, but
Question: What does a girl have to do to get someone to critique her poem!? I have one, but all I get is "nice!." !?
I would really like someone who has an opinion to tell me how I can improve this!. Thank you!.
The Iron Curtain
Your fearless smile speaks volumes of bravery and
Your sprightly laugh breathes love into hatred!.
Your sunshine curls sail adrift on bliss while
Your fortress hands protect the weak!.
Your starlight skin lights me up!.
But behind the stormy sky of your eyes
Stands an Iron Curtain!.
Hidden in the quiet recesses
Of your fragmented mind
Your ransomed secrets
Beg for release,
Once lovers, now fighters,
They scream for recognition!.
I wage war
On the arsenal of unspoken words
Mounting against us!.
Help me fight
Before we lose
The battle against
The unseen enemy,Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Nice!
Anyway, I think the first stanza is too robotic and the reader loses the message in the reading!. Line breaks, line breaks, of course, I always say line breaks!.
The last stanza is very good, but I would suggest:
We wage war
on the arsenal of unspoken
words
mounting against us!.
Help me fight before we lose
the battle
against the unseen enemy!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You have a great message in this poem and my only suggestion is that you use your words, but in a different way!. For example you have (Your fearless smile speaks volumes of bravery and Your sprightly laugh breathes love into hatred!.) try (fearless smiles speak volumes of bravery yet your sprightly laugh breathes love into hatred)!. Not sure if this changes your message, but I hope this helps!. Most of your poem could do without the word your!. I really like your combination of words and you should continue to play around with your sentence structures!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I enjoyed it very much, i dont really see anywhere that really needs improvement, i especially liked how you had the words "Iron Curtain" between some stanzas, keeps the consistency of the poem and it makes sure that the poem never strays from the point - very well doneWww@QuestionHome@Com
I can see why others like it!. The third and fourth stanzas clearly sketch a struggle and keep my attention!.
The first stanza seems to describe an absolutely perfect person and feels unrealistic!. It plays nicely into the rest of the poem but somehow I wish it was a little less lofty!.
Make sense!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
sprightly!? Who says that!.
ransomed secrets Doesn't that mean that the ransom has been paid!?
adrift on bliss is a little akward & really doesn't flow
The first verse is a little heavy on adjectives which hurts the flow!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Your
fearless smile speaks
volumes,
sprightly laugh breathes
love,
sunshine curls sail
adrift
fortress hands
protect
starlight skin
brings light!.
Behind
your eyes
a stormy sky
an iron curtain!.
etc!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I must say !.!.!. Nice
I would work on the first stanza - I am not sure if I like seeing "your" over and over again!. Maybe just drop the "your"
Fearless smile speaks !.!.!.
Sprightly laugh breathes !.!.!.
Sunshine curls !.!.!.
Etc!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Nice!
It's all you get for now!. Quid pro quo - baby <wink>Www@QuestionHome@Com
its nice!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The Iron Curtain --- good title!
Your fearless smile speaks volumes of bravery and
Your sprightly laugh breathes love into hatred!. --- love first 2 lines
Your sunshine curls sail adrift on bliss while
Your fortress hands protect the weak!.
Your starlight skin lights me up!. --- sounds kinda off, maybe another
line here instead!?
But behind the stormy sky of your eyes
Stands an Iron Curtain!. -------- very good!
Hidden in the quiet recesses
Of your fragmented mind --------- like your word choice
Your ransomed secrets
Beg for release-
Once lovers, now fighters,
They scream for recognition!.
I wage war
On the arsenal of unspoken words
Mounting against us!. --------- its really a great poem until here,
Help me fight you kinda loose it at this line!.!.!.
Before we lose maybe just cut it off here and
The battle against rewrite the ending, i wouldn't The unseen enemy!. change anything before this, though!.Www@QuestionHome@Com