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Question: Is this any better!? (( my summer poem))!?
The original:
Oh how I miss those warm summer days,
When all the world is so off pace,
Lazy days go by and by,
While the sun hangs lowly in the sky,

Heat beats down upon my head,
As if a spell cast down on me,
I lay down slowly on the luscious green,
As a gentle breeze puts me at ease,

Flowers brush against my face,
The sweet aroma putting me to sleep,
I close my heavy eye-lids like a shield from the sun,
And doze off into enchantment,
As if a timeless dream,

Bees buzzing and lawn mowers humming,
Fresh cut grass and barefooted children,
Butterflies fluttering and tree leaves dancing,
All seem to paint the image of summer days and sounds into my mind!.


The re-vised one:
Why is that I miss those warm sunny days!?
When all the world is so off pace,
And lazy days go by and by,
While the sun hangs lowly in the sky,

Its heat beats down upon my head,
As if to cast a spell down on me,

I lay down slowly on the luscious green,
So soft and cold,
Yet truly refreshing,

As a gentle breeze puts me at ease,
All the days trouble drift away,

Wild Flowers brush against my face,
With colors so full and fresh,
As if falling from an artist’s canvas,

The sweet aroma putting me to sleep,
Almost like in a timeless dream,

I must get up and do my work,
Yet the rich yellow bees buzzing,
And tree leaves fluttering,

Keep me down,
Just a little bit longer!.


I am 14!.

Was this an improvement, none at all, worse, etc

Thanks!Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I loved the bit that goes;
Lazy days go by and by,
While the sun hangs lowly in the sky,
:)
Truth be told, they're both extremely good!.
I liked the first one for it's rich imagery!.
I loved the last stanza particularly,
Bees buzzing and lawn mowers humming,
Fresh cut grass and barefooted children,
Butterflies fluttering and tree leaves dancing,
All seem to paint the image of summer days and sounds into my mind!.
So much imagery :)
I enjoyed the second one, the structure added interest, however I'd say I prefer the first!.
Only because you painted a picture in my mind with that stanza!.

Keep me down
Just a bit longer!.
That's nice :)

And the artist's canvas was lovely too!.!.

I don't know actually, I just re-read, I think they're both lovely!.
Keep them both :)

They're significantly different in a way!.!. :)
Well done!. xxxxWww@QuestionHome@Com