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Question: Do you like my poem (be brutal)!?
Death At Sea

Over ‘ere the horizon,
In the storm a ship is tossed,
And though they fight to save the ship,
The crew is all but lost!.

The captain yells and gives the order,
Then the ship begins to fall,
Even the best of captain,
Cannot save them all!.

Most the men are perished;
Saved but ten thrice!.
The captain is not there,
Honored in sacrifice!.

On isle ground
Soon they landed,
On isle ground,
They where stranded!.

Food was scarce,
Soon was found out,
Thirty men’s hearts,
Where filled with doubt!.

From the doubt
Untrust grew,
Suspicion and hate,
Their hearts then knew!.

The fighting grew worse,
Until the day,
A man was taken
His life away!.

Then from the crowd,
That was now twenty-nine,
Out stepped a man,
That man being I!.

“STOP!” I shouted!
“Stop”; spoken again,
“We are divided,
Together we must ban”!.


“Stop all this stealing,
And looting; now death!.
Working together,
Can put it to rest!.”

All of them paused,
Then all of them said…
“KILL DOWN THAT MAN!
KILL HIM DOWN DEAD!”

I ran through the trees,
And into a cave,
Staying inside,
I remained there for days!.

When it was safe,
I then left the cave,
What my eyes saw,
Still does amaze!.

A tree there bore,
A bountiful harvest!.
So quickly it grew,
It never would starve us!.

I sneaked back to camp,
When all where asleep,
Armed; I woke one,
And told him to see!.

I fled then again,
After I showed him the way,
Afraid for my life,
When the others awake!.

In the time of a week,
I thought in good faith,
I could return,
To thankful a face!.

When I was seen,
Stones at me flew,
Somehow they thought,
More secrets I knew!.


I left once again,
And said to myself,
“They are mad men!
That cannot be helped!.”

To the other side,
Of the isle I went,
The great part of a year,
There living, I spent!.

Then one day when searching the waves,
There came to my eye a tear!.
I saw a ship that was sailing,
A sailing ship; sailing near!.

“AHOY!” said I,
“Ahoy!” said he,
“Anyone else
On this isle be!?”

There I paused,
Ten minutes at least,
Before I replied;
“Only the beasts!.”Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Yes I like your poem
It started out very fluent!.!. then it kind of took a dive!.
If you please, rewrite it paying attention to the syllable count in each line!.
structure it so all the verses flow, because the ideas are there, they just bounce too harshly with the changes in meter and count!.
I am not a critic, I only like to read something that reads easy and I do not stumple profusely on when reading it out loud!.

I would like to see it when you have cleaned it up!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think u did a great job on the rhyming and describing it!.cause as i was reading it i pictured the whole story in my head!. i thought the last line was quite interesting as well!. it was a fantastic poem i luvd it!.although i think its quite long is there anyway u could make it shorter but keep all the details!?thats my opinion though!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

interestingWww@QuestionHome@Com

it kinda sounds like a story to me
like the beginning of oneWww@QuestionHome@Com