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Question: "The Customers" Does this work as a poem!?
"The Customers"
The face front huge variety store
had bright painted pictures by the score
of various retail wares ready to sell
hardware, software, and so much more!.
Upon a bright sunshine day
a car drove up and parked in the lot to shop!.
An old uncle and a little boy aged four
with big brown sparkling eyes opened wide
Together, standing they scanned the colorful view
said the little boy, look ain't that nice! !.!.!.!.
The man painted pictures,
for kids like me that can't read or write!.
Through misty eyes and a quiet grin
his uncle replied, your right ain't that nice!.
Unknown to the little boy, In the long ago
his uncle was a kid who fell through the cracks!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Yes, I got it, don't change a thing!. Adult illiteracy is the elephant in the room for many homes!. Yet they go through their life successfully hiding it from many!. I can't imagine!.
maWww@QuestionHome@Com
A bit cliched, but kind of fun!.
If your object is literature, you'll need to edit it a bit - I think the rhyming holds it back and makes it more predictable!. Less common adjectives and some metaphor would probably help a great deal!.
I also lost you in the second half of the third stanza!. I don't know what "your right ain't that nice" means!. Something on the boys right!? The painted pictures on the right!? What cracks did the uncle fall through!? There is no explanation!. There needs to be some meaning behind it that the reader can figure out - it doesn't need to be literally stated, but there needs to be more to the poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Except for the last stanza, it reads well!. I think you could easily rephase the uncle comment about not being able to read to fit the flow!. My bigger concern is understanding the 'painted' pictures!. Aren't most retail displays covered with graphics on their packaging!? Maybe I am not understanding!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I would really want to know more about the cracks in the concrete!. Specifically, are they expansion/control joints, or shrinkage cracks!? This poem would be more meaningful to me if I had an idea of the quality of the materials used in the paving process!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think I understand that the uncle can't read because of the stanza before the last!. Maybe you could say 'his uncle was the same kind of kid!.' I like the poem a lot!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Hmmmm the last line is very difficult to understand!. The poem only seems to have one level, and some of the lines don't scan as well as they should!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
For the sake of clarity, maybe the last line could be:
"his uncle was a kid who also couldn't read!."Www@QuestionHome@Com
Is it the uncle that can't read!?
I'll go over it again!.!.!.
I liked this!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It works for me Jenny!. Nice!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like the poem!.!.
Maybe You were trying to say!.!.!.
"his uncle replied, you're right ain't that nice"
Don't mean to change the beauty of Your poem!.!.
It's meaning comes through so clearly!.
But seeing You asked!.!.!.
In the fourth verse could it follow with!.!.!.
!.!.!.!. !.!.!.!. !.!.!.!. !.!.!.!. !.!.!.!. !.!.!.!. !.!.!.!. !.!.!.!.
Unknown to the boy, since so long ago
His uncle relied on that old picture board!.
I do like that metaphor that you used "kid
who fell through the cracks"
And so that the cycle goes forward and back
As uncle's the kid who fell through the crack
Missed out on the basics to read and to write
But he knew how to share that wonderful sight!.
Does the last verse help!?
Tried to expand that metaphor
Don't loose your confidence, the story line is
interesting, it has substance !.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com