Position:Home>Poetry> Poem: 1st draft - critiques please: Shadows of a Time Long Gone?

Wonderful poem!.!.!.very visual and the surreal aspect is nearly tangible!. I felt as if I were in the dream!.

I agree with Jeff, getting into the work could be a bit difficult, and you might lose some readers despite the poem's brevity!.

Consider making your first stanza the second, and the second first!. The flow is pretty much the same, but this way the reader is immediately drawn in, and entangled in the web of your night vision!.

Although, the opening stanza would work equally well in several other places also!.

As others have stated, I love how you used the fragrance of coffee to draw the reader back down to earth!.


Kudos and a star on a poem well done!.

God bless you!.
? ?Www@QuestionHome@Com

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The only problem I see here is in the first half of the first stanza!. I think it would be more effective to show, rather than tell!. Throw the reader right into the dream!. It would be fine if we are confused at first - dreams are confusing!. I think that a gradual progression from the chaotic to the real and rational might work well, and this would be in perfect alignment with the final line - there's nothing more real or rational than a cp of coffee!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Ann Rice on your mind!. Lestat your boyfriend!? You might want to also look at making the last stanza a bit more mysterious as you 'awake' from your dream!.

A sound calls me now
distant but close, ringing
the morning glow, blinding
but in the back, a smell
a wondrous smell!.!.!.coffee
the dream drifts, drifts awayWww@QuestionHome@Com

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hmmmmm a good start, but a bit slow to grab the reader in the beginning (Lots of vampire poems - can you think of something unique to grab the reader!?)

also, try not to repeat words too close together - screams, screaming, etc!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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hi tori,

i liked ur poem!.!.!.it gave me the chills !.!.!.!.but sumhow i don't find the first paragraph as good as the others!.!.!.!.!.and i think sumthing is wrong with the line "morning alarm"!.!.i dunno wat exactly is out of place!.!.!.but u cud try to put the same thing in different words !.!.maybe that wud help!.!.!.!.
but basically i liked ur poem a lot!.!.!.!.

are u a fan of twilight!?!?!?!?!.!.!.just curious!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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The vampire part threw me for a second!.
I love the part about the coffee!.
Good job!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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my vampire, sounds great to me!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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I like the feeling it conveys and the Victorian house, but I find the first stanza weak!. "Memories recur" - this happens everyday every minute to everyone, so it's not very specific!. Which memories they are is much more important!. You don't have to create entire scenes for this, symbols will do fine!. You're trying to write a Gothic poem so think about Gothic things - such as "Through the torture chamber/ The moonlight sweeps!."
This is just one example out of a possible thousand!.
"Deeply repressed" is such a clinical term that it leaves us rather uninterested!. Why are they deeply repressed!? Is it because of something horrible you suffered or did!? Please give the reader a clue here!.
Final question - why are girls and young women so fascinated with vampires!? I love Anne Rice but she is so good at building character that I think she could master any genre!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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