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Position:Home>Poetry> Short poemm I wrote, is it okay?Question: Short poemm I wrote, is it okay!? The distrusting stares and the saddened eyes
Of his mother's disappointment and his lack of surprise The Cigarettes help him, though, on mundane days He just wants to be happy, or maybe sane Eye contact is especially rough, when prayers to God aren't enough But this boy has never been tough He sees himself as indecent slime in the gruff Begging to be torn apart, or brought to life, or just invisible This world is too big for himWww@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I think Its Great (Y) Keep it up xWww@QuestionHome@Com It's a dark poem but i dig obscure poetry!. Like Audrey Lordes!. Anyways, the rythm of the lines has great flow and is quite moving!. This line here could be a little smoother, but it's just being nitpicky: He just wants to be happy, or maybe sane (maybe remove the comma) Again, it's a great poem!. Good on ya!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I think its a great start you might want to think more about your character and his view of the world and add to it Good workWww@QuestionHome@Com Your rhyming isn't in a pattern and takes away from the poem!. Remember by trying to rhyme you take away word choice as well!. Good ideas though!. Www@QuestionHome@Com i think its really good like really really goodWww@QuestionHome@Com I think its goodWww@QuestionHome@Com that's great Www@QuestionHome@Com |