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Question: What kind of person do you think the subject of this poem is!?
The jumbled reckless thoughts
They often wreck her sleep
They whisper in the daylight
For her own soul to keep
It doesn't matter how she tries
she can't stop all her pain
Like having an umbrella
will never stop the rain
But then there are some times
When she'll laugh before she'll smile
Confusion sets in and takes her over
If only for a while
right about now the tears they fall
Like she lost her only friend
If she could only stop the rain
From drowning her again!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
a confused soul, afflicted with dementia, In the early stages before it completely takes over her mind!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

depressed, sad
distraught, she keeps thinking
and crying
perhaps for a person, but maybe not!?
Www@QuestionHome@Com

a woman with PMS who wants to get pregnant and can't!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

i think this person is younger!. but other than that, just a regular ole person that has to deal with life!. this is something i wrestle with every night!. fighting off the brain thoughts!. sometimes it's hard to shut down your brain not to mention the negetivity that your pysche and brain come up with!.

technically speaking though, there were a couple of spots that were awkward:

"like having an umbrella
will never stop the rain" - you're using "like" her which is indicating you're about to go for a similie but you're not comparing anything!. it seems that you're using "like" as an interjector!. like, i totally went to the store and like i bought something!. maybe i'm misinterpreting it!. i just know reading it seemed awkward!. i missed what you were trying to say initially!. maybe throw in a "but" or "yet"!. cause you're saying that you have this umbrella and yet you still get rained on and how frustrating it is!. i get that!. but the words don't say that!.

also:
"but then there are some times
when she'll laugh before she'll smile
confusion sets in and takes her over
if only for a while" - i want you to expand this thought!. it seems like you're saying there are happy times that happen during the dark times!. but then confusion comes in and changes it!? not sure what you're saying about confusion and i'm not sure confusion is the catalyst you necessarily need to use!. i would pick something stronger!. something that is more distinct!. confusion seems vague!. and go into more detail about how this confusion (or whatever you decide) does to her to bring her out of the random happiness!. it seems anticlimatic to just leave there about the happiness!.

also: you changed tenses but in only one sentence: "right about now the tears they fall" and then you go right back into past tense to finish the poem out!. either stay in the past tense or flush out your exploration of bringing the tense into present!. it's not that i didn't enjoy it, it's just awkward because it's only that one sentence!.

i like the poem!. you have a natural arc in there, the happiness being the arc to me!. that's why i felt it was anitclimatic b/c it is an arc!. you start low, you end low!. so you naturally put someting in the middle about finding the happiness but then losing it again!. spend more time there so that when you end low, the fall from high to low is stronger, more poignant!. nice job!Www@QuestionHome@Com