Position:Home>Poetry> "My days are numbered and to death I wing"; would you comment on this
Question: "My days are numbered and to death I wing"; would you comment on this unpolished sonnet!?
My days are numbered and to death I wing;
There is no hope that I'll avoid this end:
The dark abyss, the mock and scorn and sting,
The arc of life toward which all living bend!.
My mind turns constantly but won't reveal
The saving secret locked in Time's vast vault,
And so I wait for fate and can't appeal;
I'm sentenced for a crime that's not my fault!.
This is the crux, my sad and damned estate,
Where I reside for all my waking hours;
I'm quite undone, but can't undo my fate,
Its remedy entire outside my powers!.
And so to my inquisitor I'll give
No further care; instead I'll dare to live!.
Grand roi des choses souterraines
11/14/08Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
What makes this poem even more amazing is the relative ease with which I am informed it was written!. When, at table, if you wish someone to pass you the butter, the most natural thing in the world to say is "Will you pass me the butter, please!?"!. No sooner does the thought enter the head than do the words pass the lips!. In the exact same manner does the author of this Sonnet commit to paper the thoughts here expressed!. He knows what he wants to say, and with effortless ease do the words spring forth in the most natural, unforced way as if there could be no other way to say what is being said!. No tortuous, turgid, terribly contrived phraseology from this man!. He simply writes as he thinks, or at least, such does it appear!. What a gift! What a joy! What a genius! What a b*gg*r! I'm almost jealous!.
Kevin S: Good critique, but "repetative" is spelt "repetitive"!. Sorry to be picky!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
This is very good; I don't know how much more polishing would be required, other than a few little grammatical and punctuation thingies!. I love the theme and it is stated extremely well!. The structure is perfect and everything points very logically toward the volta!. The meter is perfectly executed yet unobtrusive!. It is almost "Millay-ish," but at the same time very original!. Excellent!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think I'm in love with this!. Your word choice is beautiful!. The picture you paint makes me feel like I'm standing in it and the message you send is amazing!.
Keep writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Good !. Www@QuestionHome@Com
This is amazing: great thought progression - you present in "argument" form, in the philosophical sense, not personal, of course!. Second: perfect meter (I counted it out)!. Third: I like the "imperfection" of the rhyme, because you bend to the reality of your thought rather than compromise your thought to force a rhyme!. Um, what else!? Oh, it's sincere: you're writing in the most real sense, in my opinion: you're "writing-out" a reality you're engaging in your personal life's journey, "counseling" yourself, our (poet's) therapy, the other half of which this self-expression being your communication with another or with others, your audience!. We are all a community!. that's what I love about poetry: it is extremely intimate when you think about it!. I know I write what are to me amazingly personal things, and nobody thinks a thing about it, because this is the real of real poetry!. I like your poem very much!. Good job! Cool!Www@QuestionHome@Com
This is not an unpolished sonnet, but a near polished diamond!.
This is a magnificent piece of writing and I for one accept it is written!.
It describes the thinking of the majority who are pondering the purpose of life, where did I come from, why am I here and where will I go after I die!?
The arc of life toward which all living bend is a beautiful line, also I'm sentenced for a crime that's not my fault!. I am tempted to give some religious explanation to your poem but decline to do so as that is not what you have asked!. I will therefor be content to say that it is a soul searching piece of poetry, one that many who read it will have a need to question their own beliefs!.
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The concept of this sonnet is not unique, but its handling surely is just that: unique!. The first line's word order is a little contrived for modern verse, but it suits the voice and style of the poem, so it's not overly so!. Personally, I don't mind inverted word orders when they contribute to the overall feel of the poem, but many critics would make negative comments on your choice!. End of line two: recommend a period vs the colon!. Line three!.!.!.not sure if the repetative "and" is better than "the mock, the scorn, the sting"!. The use of "toward" vs" towards"!.!.!.there is no rule on which is more "correct"!. "towards" is about 10 times more prevalent in Britain, but both are used equally in America!. So, the choice comes down to flow and tone!. I've read the line in question several times, and "towards" feels easier on my tongue and softer to my ear!.!.!.however, you are the final decider on that one and I only bring it up so you can take another look at it!. But while on that line, it still seems a little stiff!.!.!.consider adding "who" before "living" and see how it sounds!. Next line!.!.!."won't reveal" implies your mind knows the secret!.!.!.is that what you meant, or did you mean "can't reveal"!? The voice in the line "!.!.!.crime that's not my fault" is more modern than the rest of the poem!.!.!.!."crime not of my fault" would better match, but again, it's only a suggestion and a reminder to watch for consistency when using an antiquated voice pattern!. The use of the word "crux" is questionable when paired with a "place"!.!.!.your use of crux makes its definition appear to mean a place, when it actually means "the crucial, or deciding, point"!. I enjoy the sound of the word, but you need to look at how it's used!. Perhaps using a colon after "crux"!.!.!.so it appears: "this is the crux: my sad and damned estate, where I reside for all my waking hours, leaves me quite undone, for I can't undo my fate, its remedy entire outside my powers!." Finally, who is your "inquisitor"!? If it's your mind, then it's properly used!.!.!.if it is "fate", then you'd need a different word!.
If it seems like I'm being too "picky", it's due to two things: you asked me to be so, and when you find something this well done, the final polishing needs to be specific and any edits need to tighten and clarify!.
This poem is extemely well done!.!.!.keep writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com