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Question: 2nd poem I've written 2nd post what do you think!?
I have posted before but I only get feedback on content vs structure and what makes a poem!. I just started writing poems!. I have always wrote short stories or essays!. I know my content is far from the typical love poem but Im looking for feedback to improve my writing!.!.!.THANKS
"Afterlife for the Godless"
The lights diffused,
A misplaced faith,
Secreting the used!.
Often ponder the other way,
Godless I stand,
Your modern cliché!.
I confess unsure in my depths,
Left in hinder,
Wondering our labyrinths!.
Twisted ‘round the tree I am,
A breath no more,
I condemn!.
From within I shred my chest,
My hands be different,
Have I laid to rest!?
Blurry sight and yet so clear,
My fears unknown,
A lucid image it is near!.
Crawling through orange lit sand,
A symphony for the dead,
Echoes my orchestra band!.
Reach the pond of fallen tears,
Drops reflection of tragedy,
Face of the sad it appears!.
Burns across the face he lays,
Exploding pain the gasoline,
Counting down his last days!.
From the pond the forest I go,
Wrapped in thorns,
I struggle to know!.
The sand it sinks beneath,
Gasping and grinding,
I break my teeth!.
Struggle I do the mountain side,
Womb my knees to chest,
This is how I died!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
To improve your writing!.!.!.first of all, your poem's lines are very short, which makes it a bit choppy!.!.!.and hides the fact that your lines are actually rhymed couplets back to back!.!.!.which also make it sound a little "rhymy"!. Additionally, watch out for malapropisms ("wondering" instead of "wandering", grammar (orange-lit), punctuation, stilted speech/word order (image it is near)!. If you want to write better poems, find a more natural voice!.!.!.write as though you were speaking!.!.!.you can rhyme or do free verse, but the outcome should still sound as if you'd say it in normal conversation!. For example, "the trees were bending softly in the breeze" sounds natural, but "the breeze the trees did softly bend" sounds archaic and contrived!.!.!.something to avoid (those were obviously my words for an example, not words from your poem)!.
On the flip side, you have created some good images, but they're sometimes mixed with blurry ones, and at least once redundant (orchestra band!?)!. Still, you appear to have good insights, you just need some practice!.!.!.which is not surprising if this is only your second poem!. So, read, read, read and write, in about that ratio!. Once you're written something, let it sit awhile, read more, then go back to it and read it as if it were written by someone else and you were supposed to "fix it"!. Writing good poetry takes time and you've got a good start!.!.!.so keep writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com