Position:Home>Poetry> My newest poem-warning, it's very long, and you may not understand it. But c
Question: My newest poem-warning, it's very long, and you may not understand it!. But criticism is welcome!?
-who would dare to expose their heads bare in
the rain of Berkely-I did-
and was soaked through and left a drowned
rat as the celestial laughter of a thousand
heavens in a myriad of thoughts laughed,
a paean of the holiest little servant!.
And I! the poor fool shivering cold cursed
and stomped up past decade stomping
grounds-muttering and groaning grandeur
at poor innocent passerbys snarled "don't
bare your minds to the rain-it's the vodoo
of His angels"!. -and terrified they walked on
clucking sadly about poor men in Berkely
clad in soiled finery and fancy Salvation Army
dress shoes for 2 cents!
Needless to say it dawned on me at university
that God is an angel cracked bare and wide-
eyed and bellowing-"Do it! Do it!" I love him
so-and so I loved the angels wandering about
huddled and hooded and scampering
to get out of nature's angry protests' way-
and I love mankind for it,
for here is the world on hills long and wide
narrow and broken
and wine bottles on the streets left
by the side of record stores and jazz joints
and coffee for 2!.50! a cup a joe piping hot!
-one of those bottles are mine, I broke it
contemplating the role of Gillespie in Zen
Christianism-my religious background is either
a mexicali haunt or a manufactured garden
of Eden-I have
yet to decide!. And on the hill, I meet crazy
lovey eyes in beards and fancy sport jackets
rolling and bopping and smacking of swing
jazz and the fine structures of musical tonality
and theory-to which my jazz enthusiast
groans-"Bah, Humbug! To death I say
with your contemplative ways of jazz and theory!
Listen to the painting in your ear
and pant to the rythmic beat-no dancing! You think to much, Love, you do for the
good of Christ and yet you smoke my joint
rolled and offered freely-are you-or am
I-a sinner!? What of the devil, Love!? What of
him!? Is he this city-what of the nation if he is!-oh,
poorboy Berkely! How I weep!"
and on, till we are both weeping in the laps of
dark-eyed lovers who stroke and sooth
our burnt-on-out minds till we're sick
and tired-I'm only now falling sleep!.
I've been dreaming now for eighteen years!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I didn't find it confusing!.!.!.it was like watching a film, or analysing a really detailed painting!. I like it!.!.!.a lot!.!.!.there's a left flavour to it!.!.!.very hippy!.!.!.a little high (though I've never actually been high! but I have that same feeling when I get too much sun I suppose!.!.!.!.u know like when your mind seems to sweep from one side of the world to another and falls into humour than rises back up to a simple thought which suddenly means so much more, so profound and you want to capture the essence of that realisation and paint it, write it make others feel it!.!.!.and all of this happens in a matter of minutes but it feels longer because the taste of it lingers in your mind for hours)
In fact, I loved ur other poem too, the 1 that starts "Look who's selling their hearts on the street"- and I hope u dont mind but I copied it (with your name ofcourse) because I want to read it when I lose hope in my writing!.I guess I'm saying u inspire me :) I am new to this stuff, and I only just learned a little bit about Jack Kerouac and the beat writers because 1 of the replies I got from here regarding 1 of my poems said it reminded them of late 50's & 60's expresso poetry!. (Although looking at the beat writers, my writing is soooo far away from that quality!. But I am very new!. I'm about to enrol in a Writing course soon!. YaY !) So I googled it and stumbled across all this stuff I had no idea about!.
What I love most about your poetry is that its jam-packed full of ideas like the branches of a tree!.!.!.each idea leads to another and another, in fact your poetry is more so in the "not telling" that is delicious, it's like you point us in a direction and ask us to put one foot in front of the other!.!.!.!. and this is equalled with the pungent tastes and emotions it draws from the reader!.!.!.well from me at least!.
I've written too much!.
Thankyou & Keep sharing please, You're Amazing !!! :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
amazing!.!.!. rich and passionate, both heavy and light, makes me smile so familiar and my heart pound and ache!.!.!. your lines deliver beats and rythms all or nothing!.!.!. a freedom of free flow!.!.!.makes me think of tones from ginsberg and williams, but it is yours!.!.!. I could read this a few times and then read it a few more times and continue to read more!.!.!. I would love to read more of your stuff keep writing!.!.!. this is the sh*t that inspires!.!.!.
It almost makes me feel crazy- in a good slightly dangerous way!.!.!.
"don't bare your minds to the rain-it's the vodoo
of His angels"
God is an angel cracked bare and wide-
eyed and bellowing-"Do it! Do it!" I love him
so-and so I loved the angels wandering about
huddled and hooded and scampering
to get out of nature's angry protests' way-
and I love mankind for it
my religious background is either
a mexicali haunt or a manufactured garden
of Eden-I have
yet to decide
Listen to the painting in your ear
and pant to the rythmic beat-no dancing! You think to much, Love
I'm only now falling sleep!.
I've been dreaming now for eighteen years!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
my first impression was wow!. the language is stunning!. seriously, it's extremely creative and great use of words!!!
it's Very confusing though, i think that's my only criticism!.
i know poems are meant to bedeep and meaningful and not Always clear cut, but seriously - this poem is confusing!.
it sort of goes on and on and on and on, and ther's no verses no breaks, no breaths, no order!.
it's like you got all the random thoughts in your head and just put them onto paper and then put it in a blender!!
i think it's one of those poems that 99% of the general population would just 'huh!?' at and throw away, but for literary fanatics and university poem professions and english teachers everywhere would just be 'omg that is amazing'!.
i think it's a great poem still!.!.!.good luck with it
Www@QuestionHome@Com