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Question: Take a look, Id like to hear What people think of I Seek the Shade to Stay till Dawn!?
I Seek the Shade to Stay till Dawn ??
My beard grows larger as the days go by,?? ???
as children age and loved-ones die,?
and as my vision fades from my aging eyes,?? ? ?
I seek the shade to sit and sigh!.??
My hair grows longer day by day,?? ???
I watch it as it fades to gray, ?
as children laugh, and live and play,?? ???
I seek the shade to lag and lay!.??
My mind grows lamer night by night,?? ???
plagued with the symmetries of forgotten sights, ?
with memories lost of former might;?? ???
I seek the shade to dim the light!.??
My fears grow louder, every passing hour,?? ???
they seethe and swell, they soak and shower, ?
to sear its scope and quell its power,?? ???
I seek the shade to cope and cower!.??
My life grows later as time wears on,?? ???
its moments of triumph have grown and gone, ?
and as the wise and weary, replace the brawn,?? ??
?I seek the shade to stay till dawn!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Very nice, but the inconsistent meter made it stutter in places!. May I suggest the following revisions for your consideration!.
My beard grows long as days go by,
whilst children age and loved-ones die!.
As vision fades from aging eyes,
I seek the shade to sit and sigh!.
My hair grows thinner day by day,
and what is left now fades to grey!.
As children laugh and cry, and play,
I seek the shade to lag and lay!.
My mind grows dimmer night by night,
plagued by the dreams of long-lost sights,
with memories of my former might;
I seek the shade to dim the light!.
My fears grow louder, every hour,
they seethe and swell, they soak and shower!.
To sear its scope and quell its power,
I seek the shade to cope and cower!.
My life grows short as time wears on,
its days of triumph long since gone!.
As wisdom now replaces brawn,
I seek the shade to stay till dawn!.
Verse 4 is still a beat too long in every line, but that can be compensated for phonetically by pronouncing every as ev'ry, and shower, power and cower as show'r, pow'r and cow'r, etc!. also, memories in verse 3 as mem'ries, but I'm sure you knew that already!.
I suppose if you had absolutely no discernible regular meter anywhere in your poem then it wouldn't really matter because it would be a case of anything goes!. However, this kind of poem screams out for a consistent meter to stop it lurching all over the place!. You've done it with verse 2 so there's no reason not to keep the other verses the same!. Rhythm and meter are what makes a good poem great!. What do you want to write!? Good (ish) poems or great ones!? A little discipline in your writing will work wonders for you, and the sense of achievement one gets when one has risen to and triumphed over the challenge is extremely satisfying!.
Don't matter a sh*t if joe average cares or not! YOU should care!. If someone doesn't care enough to give it everything they've got when they're writing it, then I ain't gonna waste time giving it anything I've got when reading it!. Don't be so lazy, stand up straight, get a bleedin' haircut!. If you're that apathetic about it, why d'you even bother!? You say you like Edgar Allan Poe!.!.!.follow his example if you want to make something of yourself as a poet!. If athletes took your lazy approach to their fields of endeavour, they'd never get anywhere!. D'you want to be a great poet!.!.!.or just a 3rd-rate hack!?
Pants! If you prefer it that way, it's only because you're too lazy to put the effort into doing it the right way!. You're just making excuses and half-as*ed rationalizations to explain away laziness or inability to do the job properly!. That's like an artist saying he didn't paint his subject's ears and arms into his picture because he didn't think they were important and didn't want to be old-fashioned, but would rather be different from the norm!. You don't want to work within the rules because it's too hard for you!. Anything else is just a mealy-mouthed excuse!. Never mind my poetry!.!.!.look at Poe's The Raven!. Rhythm, rhyme, meter, structure!.!.!.masterpiece!. That's my last word on the matter 'cos you're just coppin' out!. Doesn't the fact that I'm the only person to respond to your poem tell you something, if you think you're so good!? It should! Your poem here shows promise!.!.!.develop your talent or it'll atrophy and stagnate!.Www@QuestionHome@Com