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Question: Will you do me the honor of reading and commenting on my poem!?
"Infundibulum"
by Peter Benoit

A sad thought filled my heart tonight
Beneath the stars magnificent,
That He who turned the compass might
Decide my time has near been spent,
That I should spread my wings in flight
And fly home for a part rehearsed
With shining host from Heaven sent
And come to be in One immersed!.

It's said that all things in His sight
That writhe in earthly chains are pent
Through brotherhood in anguished plight
And now I know what they have meant!.
The Valley Spirit takes delight
In creatures broken, bowed, or cursed
As woodbine twines on trellis bent
And comes to be in One immersed!.

Before I flee this old world's light
And of my mortal sins repent
To be judged by Anubis might
My soul kneel 'neath the firmament
That this unarmored, questing knight
Might grasp the Grail and slake his thirst,
Lay down his sword, set free the kite
And come to be in One immersed!.

I know not where my sadness went
In umber reckoning finely versed
By evensong's magnolia scent
I've come to Thee as one, immersed!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Regarding genius's remarks about 'one', even at a quick reading I can see that "in One immersed", the One referred to is Christ, hence the capital!. "As one, immersed" refers to the subject being immersed in the "One" - two separate "ones" in other words!. A reference to baptism perhaps, figuratively, if not in the literal earthly religious sense!. You see, there is no actual English word for the Greek word "baptizo", which means "immersion"!. When the King James scholars were translating the New Testament, they couldn't translate the word, so merely transliterated it instead!. Hence my belief that the writer of this fine poem is referring to baptism of some sort!. (In his use of the word "immersion", at least!.)Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is absolutely lovely!. I almost feel as though you and I are on similar paths, if I may extrapolate!. The rhyme and meter are so flawless,and the poem is so intelligent as well as beautiful!. I love the resolution in the last stanza!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

wow i like it! i dont know what infundibulum means but there's something about it thats interesting and attracting! good job!Www@QuestionHome@Com

that sounds really good! i just wrote a poem about my favorite book! do you think you could answer it!? that was real good!http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index!?!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

wow, great!.!.!. technique! your texture is amazing! you have great style and should keep writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I really enjoyed reading your poem!.
Its good !Www@QuestionHome@Com

Peter my dear friend,

It is so good to hear from you again as I have missed your wonderful poems!. This is the first of the mail you have sent me which I now comment on, the others I will get to later!.

There is only one suggestion which I will make and that is in your first line!. I would like to have read A sad feeling!.!.!. and not thought!. I have to agree with our long commenting friend that it is the heart that feels and not thinks, but I will respect your decision to leave well alone!.

Now your first stanza is just beautiful and shows an understanding of what Gods plan is for man!. Spreading your wings in flight means to me that your spirit will return to that God who gave you life, but you will not return alone for others will have been sent to accompany you on your journey home!.

Stanza two seems to indicate that Satan (The Valley Spirit) takes great delight in those who he has brought under his subjection in chains!. Then a second meaning comes to mind that all who are bound by such chains of sorrow for sin may through the Spirit of repentance, come again to the One and only God!.

Stanza three seems to say that before I am taken to that Spirit who rules the underworld to be judged, I might repent and set free, my spirit to fly homeward to be with Him who was immersed in the river Jordan, or to be immersed in His love!.

I hope that I am at least somewhere near to what your lovely poem means!. But close or not it was beautifully put!. Now for your next one!.

RobertWww@QuestionHome@Com

For starters i wouldnt use a word from a dead language as your title unless you use it or describe its meaning in your poem!. Whose gonna understand it unless they know latin!? Never limit your reading audience or make them seem uneducated!. also, dont capitalize the first word in every line, thats not the standard nowadays!. Use proper capitalization and offset the lines, like this: (dots are spaces)
A sad thought filled my heart tonight
!.!.!.!.!.!.beneath the stars magnificent,
that He who turned the compass might
!.!.!.!.!.!.becide my time has near been spent,
that I should spread my wings in flight
!.!.!.!.!.!.and fly home for a part rehearsed
with shining host from Heaven sent
!.!.!.!.!.!.and come to be in One immersed!.
It will make your writing look more professional!. Couple more things though!. In your opening line: A sad thought filled my heart tonight, the heart cannot think, and thats not quite personification or synecdoche go with something like a sad thought filled my mind tonight, or a swift pain filled my mind tonight!. something like that!. also, with the line lay down his sword, set free the kite!. I dont understand it, lay down his sword makes sense, stop fighting; but set free the kite just seems like forced rhyme!. also on that stanza, you broke your rhyme you established in the first two stanzas, you just got lazy!. You rhymed ababacbc then ababacbc then ababacAc and on the fourth one you lost your scheme completely!. Thats important dont get lazy if you cant make four stanzas with the exact same rhyme scheme, shorten it or change the scheme!. It makes you look amateur when you get lazy!. Dont take it the wrong way just being constructive!.
** sir i understand where your coming from but there are still several things wrong with this poem!. Im sorry but to change your rhyme scheme in the last two stanzas, changes the poems structure, and therefore, changes the rhythm at the end detracting from the poem!. Im not saying its bad, its one of the better of the poems on this forum, but as some who has put a book of poetry together and has written hunderds of poems, trust me when I tell you that ababacbc then ababacbc then ababacAc has to go!. Is this an established scheme!? I dont recognize it the meter either!. Another thing that doesnt add up is all you religious allusions!. You mention Anubis, The Grail (Holy Grail I assume) and the Valley Spirit!. Ask yourself how does an Egyptian God, A Christian relic and a Taoist spirit mystical really add to the experience of rapture and surrender!? What you lack isnt brains or ability its consistency!. Your rhyme scheme isnt consistent nor is your religious allusions!. Oh and try to stay away from Latin phrases, to much there Wilfred Owen, lol they come off cliche, at times!. also, whats with the capitalizing of One in the first three stanzas but not the last!? Consistency quaere verum!
****hahaha lol, when you say sensory and category do you me sensory detail and lexical category!? If you dont, then Im not sure, but hey theres really no point for me to further post on this issue, I was taken the wrong way!. But I will leave you with this!. By all means feel free to be original but not at the expense of the poem!. Ive scanned it and I cant tell what kind of iambic/spondaic/trochaic meter this is nor can I understand why stanza three is not the same as stanza one and two, thats all!. Stanza four I understand, its the closer, its allowed to change!. Its a good poem its just a few formatting issues away from a great one!. Please take this to an editor and see what they say or a literary magazine!. Your a good writer thats and its surprising to see it posted here!. Its yours though, but I feel like I owe it to you to give you some sort of educated advice, instead of omg its sooo great!! You know!? You dont have to reinvent the wheel, I think you were so focused on making sure all the lines were 8 syllables that you minimized the importance of a consistent rhyme scheme!. Scheme is a poetry basic and a necessity, I dont know how many poems you have but once youve acquired a collection send them to an editor, and take them off sites like these!. Whose "we" btw you said we appreicate your expertise, was this a collaboration!?Www@QuestionHome@Com