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Question: Dear Poets/Writers; How should I format and name this PoeM!?
I just wrote this, so it's very rough!. I am interested in what you think about it!.!.!.is it confusing!? How does it make you feel!?
Any feedback good/bad will be appreciated !.


Damn!
She locked the bathroom
I’ll just have to wait
Sing in my heart saxophone
Every bend stirs something deep
Where are the people tonight!?
The stars seem like they will watch us forever
But I often wonder
What if I awoke and the stars
Decided to call it a day!?
And left us solely with
The Sun and the Moon;
To look up at
Day and night
Would we miss the little drops of twinkle in the sky!?
And then I think
Of my favourite Artist
The Great Salvador Dali
How he stroked his painted sky
With the feminine curves of a lady
So I think
What if the stars were her necklace and her crown!?
And what if man is the earth
Heating up from her passionate blows!?
Fascinated by her opulence
Painting her into every landscape
She is not just a mix of colours
That pretties our backgrounds;
She is spirited
She breathes with us
Her soul and her man the earth made love
Unlike any elements before them
To spill forth innumerable organisms
Of which we were delivered from
How dare we not pay homage to our romantic parents!?
How dare we pollute our homes with toxins!?
How dare we commit arson on this glorious
Fruit bearing, fertile earth
That bubbled into existence from love!?
When did we lose heart in nature!?
And deem the race
Against nations foremost

Don’t you think that stars don’t look
All that different than the diamonds
That light up a woman’s complexion!?
What must we learn from such awe inspiring beauty!?
When I laugh a lot
When I love a lot
I am always all the more fragile
All the more vulnerable
To my surroundings
What if it all just disappeared!?
What if all that puts joy into my soul
Is a figment of my imagination!?
And the depth of what
I believe to be my existence
Is a shallow grave!?

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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
And I was expecting a poem of!.!.!.!.!? Not what I expected whatsoever!
You have amazingly original images in this work!!! You have a natural talent for doing that too! Your questioning of the Universe and what it may or may not hold, or want, is delightful!
I am very attracted to poems of the Universe, Time, Eternity, etc!.

Lady, you are good!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Firstly you need a title!. That'll help the reader understand what you're talking about!.

Now, from what I've gathered you're talking about stars!. Where this is good, is that there's lots to work with!. Where this is bad, is that I know lots about stars, so I approach it with a very analytical eye!.

But I'll start with the main problems, and work my way from there!. You have a lot of wonderful ideas!. The problem is none of them are meshing!.

In fact, your first six lines have no relevance at all to what follows!. I like the idea of someone locking themselves in the bathroom transferring into following the bend in a saxophone, but by the time you've got me interested we move onto the stars!.

Now your next idea, the one about waking up and all the stars being gone is good except for one detail!. The sun is a star too, so if all the stars were gone, it would be gone too!. A minor detail that others might miss, but which leaps out at me immediately (because like I said, I love stars!.)

And then we move on to Salvador Dali, and that's another interesting idea, but again doesn't relate to the previous two!.

And then we move on to the earth, which you describe in a very interesting way, but again is a completely new idea!. And then from there we move into the human condition when we talk about the race against nations taking priority!.

And then we're back to stars again, and talking about how they look like diamonds!. Which is a fascinating idea, and I'll give you an idea to work with there, it's theorized that there might be burnt out stars that actually are giant diamonds (since some stars final stages of burning is carbon!.) But then we move from the stars on to you, which could work except rather than keeping with a diamond idea, we're talking about how you're fragile and vulnerable!.

And your final idea is fascinating (and one I've toyed with) which is the idea that everything is a creation of the mind!. Again fascinating, but a new and disjointed idea!.

Which leads into my other complaint about this poem!. Your ending!. For one, the idea of a shallow grave is a cliche!. But for two, it doesn't leave me feeling like I've learned anything new about the world from your perspective!. I've learned you've got a lot of fascinating ideas, and that I agree with some of them, but you haven't convinced me, by the end, that there's anything new to be gained from your perspective!.

Really if you take this work about you have the starts to four or five different poems!. And that seems to be the biggest problem I see here!. You have a lot of great ideas, and you just need to figure out how to take each individual idea and create a poem from that, rather than trying to mesh them all together with a lot of poetic language, but not writing a full fledged poem!.

If my long winded explanation isn't enough, shoot me an E-mail and I'll go into more depth!. You've definitely got more than most, and I think if you learn how to edit yourself and turn your ideas into more than ideas you can accomplish a lot!. Plus if you have one coherent idea, it'll be easier to discuss trope and metaphor, which is something this poem lacks and needs to have!.

But good first draft!. There's a lot to work with, and I think you could definitely find a lot of good things from this!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Wow!. I completely understand what you are saying! I feel the same way!. It's very descriptive and I think that if you submitted it to a contest it would win awards! I have won awards for creativity and this poem is like nothing I've ever seen! It beats out mine by a long shot!Www@QuestionHome@Com

As you say this is a work in progress!.!.!.!.it shows that you have just let your creative juices flow where they may!.!.!.and this is its main fault!.!.!.!.you don't seem to know where you are going with it!.!.!.so I suggest you read through it and try to see if there is a coherent sense!. It seems to start in one place, meander off in other directions and ends some-where where it has taken you, rather than you giving it direction!.
It would make three very good poems!.!.!.!.see if you can find away fo dividing it up!.
Edit - for some reason my original answer got chopped off!Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is a very good draft!. However, so far it looks more like a rant than a poem, if you know what I mean!. also some expressions, like "feminine curves of a lady", don't sound too good!.

So now that you have all you want to say written down, try working on the style, so that it flows more naturally!. Pick words more carefully too!. And it might be a good idea to have more paragraphs to introduce new thoughts and development!. Work out where you want your accents and which bits are the most contrasting!. After that structure the poem!.

Hope this helps!.Www@QuestionHome@Com