Position:Home>Poetry> Can you critique my poem pleeeeease?
Question: Can you critique my poem pleeeeease!?
I never thought I could find someone as special as you;
With you in my thoughts, the pounding of my heart electrifies my body through and through!.
My dreams seem to become reality when I have you near by;
A sudden smile on my face appears every time you say 'Hi!.'
Picturing you a part of my life, I feel as if I have found everything I desire;
We already seem as one, where if I am the rain, you are my fire!.!.!.
There to make me smile, shed light into my world and to keep me warm!.
You hold my hands as I hold yours while we walk through this storm!.
Making me laugh, making me blush, making me wonder and making me cry!.!.!.
You hold feelings in your heart but I sense them through your every little sigh!.
There will come one day when you decide to let go of my hand and walkaway!.!.!.
I will look up at you teary eyed…!.‘you are my heart'!.!.!.!.
!.!.!.!.!.the last thing I say to you on that final day!.
I'm not sure about the rain and fire part,
can you suggest something else, that
actually kinda go together!.!.!.but within the
same theme!?
=)
(I posted this about 10 mins ago!.!.
but it got removed, I hope I didn't
offend anyone!.!.somehow!.!. =) )Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Its a good poem, but I would chnage this part:
There will come one day when you decide to let go of my hand and walkaway!.!.!.
I will look up at you teary eyed…!.‘you are my heart'!.!.!.!.
!.!.!.!.!.the last thing I say to you on that final day!.
Change it to a more happier ending!. The poem was goo until that part!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com
that can't be your poem!. it's too good!
if it is yours, can i buy the copyrights from you!?
i want to send it to a woman in U!.K named zahra!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Awesome! Awesome! Awesome! Love it! That it so good!
You should post it at:
www!.fictionpress!.comWww@QuestionHome@Com
I would make it " I am the rain, you are the sun"Www@QuestionHome@Com
that is really really good=)Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow, i say flawlessWww@QuestionHome@Com
Another excellent poem! You are very gifted Zahrah!
Here is a suggestion for the part you were questioning!.
You said!.!.!.Picturing you a part of my life, I feel as if I have found everything I desire;
We already seem as one, where if I am the rain, you are my fire!.!.!.
How about changing that very last verse to!.!.!.!.We already seem as one, you've turned these sparks of passion into a fire (or wildfire, either one)!.
I hope I've helped you! Like I said, you've written another beautiful poem full of expression and tons of meaning behind it!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Electrifies my body through and through sounds a little tacky!.
Maybe:
!.!.!.pulses through my body!.
!.!.!.electrifies my senses!.
or,!.!.!.electrifies through my body!.
And I know you probably like it, but in my opinion "you are my heart" sounds like it could be way more heart wrenching and climatic than it is!. It just doesnt fit right to me!.
You have some really good lines!. "Shed light into my world and to keep me warm" is good because it is two ideas that go together and make perfect sense!. I really like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com