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Question: Poem, criticism wanted!?
Still rough but i feel pretty good about it, just in the mood for some criticism!.
Dance with me, ignore the pain
To dark tonight to write my words,
But in my mind they’re all I see!.
Broken glass lies at our feet;
Dance with me, ignore the pain!.
Water drains from every pore as
I try to kill my self with each step!.
Knees and ankles give away;
They share a bullet and burn away!.
A bottle besides me with nothing to drink,
Too much inside to clearly think!.
My mind is trapped, my soul let free!.
I cut my wrists but cannot bleed!.
I want to tell you more,
But your smell won't leave my arm!.
I wish it would suffocate me!.
Burn a hole in me, put out the fire!.
Singe my hand with flames beautiful touch!.
Smoke mixes with air to cloud my sight!.
I choke out razors that tear my throat,
The air escaping each fading gasp!.
A knock on the door brings such fear!.
Being fooled by footsteps on the ceiling!.
A knock with you behind locked door;
Nothing but a steady rap
Of footsteps that I know aren’t real!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I think its very beautiful and very great but also very sad, but its hard to write happy poems!. sadness is easy to write about because its such a strong emotion, right!? I think its beautifully written and i love it!. :)
my favourite part "Water drains from every pore as
I try to kill my self with each step!.
Knees and ankles give away;
They share a bullet and burn away"
thank you for sharing! :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
ok the poem is nice very detailed, but um yeah it just sounds like ur a psycho deppressed person, i mean if u wrote this u have talent dont get me wrong but u can write something dat doesnt include suicide maybe then u will get better reviews!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's very dark and depressing!. Is this how you feel!? Maybe you need to talk to someone!. Not being a smart@ss!.!.!.!.I think it would upset me a lot if someone I knew wrote this!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
dude your good real good
i read that and i was like woah
and depressing poems aren't even my style
that's how good your poem is Www@QuestionHome@Com
very nice
i like it
i understnd what youre trying to tell me
i did catch a few grammatical errors though
good job
nice to see a guy writing poetry
write me one!?!?!?lol
just kiddingWww@QuestionHome@Com
You should regard it as an extremely rough first draft and give it some major polishing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow, i love this, it is so well said, i LOVE IT, really good use to mephors and similesWww@QuestionHome@Com
interesting, if you want it to be more foggy/in depth you could use other
word for see and touch, etc!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i like that - very deep - i am **** a poems wish i could write something like thatWww@QuestionHome@Com
a little dark for my taste but it is a very good poem in my opion well thought out and put to deliver good job Www@QuestionHome@Com
Too dark tonight* That's some creepy stuff!. If you're thinking about suicide please see someone for help!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
When I read this, I was breathless!. And that's coming from a published poet!.
This is amazing!.
Keep writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow!.!.!.!. ummm why is it all poets are depressed!.!.!. why is it depressed poets write the best poems!.!.!.!. This really isn't a bad poem at all its dark!.!.!.!. But not horrible!.!.!. 7 out of 10 I give you!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
it pretty good Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow thats very deep good work!Www@QuestionHome@Com
weird not good at all
see a doctorWww@QuestionHome@Com
Well, I can't criticise it as I like it but it saddens me that you seem fairly depressed!.!. hope life improves!!:)Www@QuestionHome@Com
i dont like it!. its like depressing not my kind of poem Www@QuestionHome@Com