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Question: Ahh can anyone help me with a poem!?
who would have thought that the face of the ten year old i saw that day
would turn out being the person i think is best in everyway,
we've gone through childhood and after we've been teenagers together,
i think this proves that we can be friends forever,
you're always there for me, through the good, bad, sun and rain,
and you've changed my life, so many ways i cant even explain
i've chosen now you're an adult, to say
i know you can acheive anything you want by doing it you're way
you make me proud of everything you do
and when i grow up!.!.
i want to be just like you!! :)
that's why i've got, but i'm useless writing poems, and getting my feelings out, it's to my best friend who is 18 today and has been there for me since i was 10 and moved house totally alone!. I just dont know how to let her know she means the world to me :( help please!? :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I have tried to alter what you said as little as possible!. I hope this is what you were looking for
FRIENDSHIP
Who would have thought the ten year old
Whose face I saw that day
Would so soon become the person
I think best in every way,
Through childhood and as teenagers
We've always been together,
Which seems to me to prove that we
Will be best friends forever,
You're always there for me, dear friend,
Through good, bad, sun and rain!.
You've changed my life in many ways
I find hard to explain
As you become an adult,
I've chosen this to say
I know you can achieve your goals
By doing it you're way
I am so proud of you dear friend,
Of everything you do!.
When I grow up I know I'd like
To turn out just like you !! :)
Www@QuestionHome@Com
Your friend should be proud to receive this poem!.
Just change "you're" (which is short for "you are") to "your"
The bit about "when I grow up" makes you sound much younger !.!.!. or maybe it's a joke about the fact that you just don't behave yourself!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Some people tread lightly when it comes to critiquing peoms from the heart!.
I wave that right, because if you really want it to be amazing, then you don't want it to sound childish and trite!.
First off, punctuation is your friend!. Your best friend in fact!. It's been with you probably longer than the friend you're talking about, so treat it well!.
Secondly, this isn't a poem!. It's prose!. And here's why!. You rhyme but you don't have metrics!. Which is what you have to do if you rhyme!. You have to have some sort of metrics!. As it is now, it reeks of that "roses are red, violets are blue" texture!. Which a poem should not, because again, it makes it sound childish and trite!.
The reason I rag on that so much, is that you're writing to a friend that you are proud of for being an adult, and yet your poem sounds like a child just saying "you are awesome!." Why isn't this more personal!. Include examples of how she makes you want to be like her!. Be specific!. At the very least that will make it sound more like it came from the heart!.Www@QuestionHome@Com