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Question: What do you think of this little ditty!?
the deep night sky engulfs the room
my eyes open wide, i stare at the moon
my pain is eased
my restless mind at peace
600 miles is so far, yet so close
yet you're still the one i want the most
the soft morning sunrise fills the air
a gentle warmth starts to hit as i peacefully stare
into the horizon, your voice fills my ears
here they come again, all my fears
it was all just a dream, a dream of a scene
of a stupid little girl and her prince charming
ehh!. what do you think!?
i'm not much of a writer:PWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Love, I think it holds some promise, but it needs a bit of polishing, especially as regards rhythm and perhaps, in places, diction!. What if you tried something like:
The still, dark sky peers in my room
And I, eyes wide, plead with the moon
To ease my sorrow, dull my pain
Illuminate my life, my brain --
Six hundred miles, so far, yet close
Enough to crave, too far to host!.
When sun's beams breach the realm of night
And wakefulness redeems my sight
All peace is lost, and then my fears
Like poison poured into my ears
Destroy the visions I'd but known
By moon, when you were still my own!.
Now, I know that's a bit lame and I am doing exactly what I just told you not to do -- compose on the spot -- but if this were my own conceptualization entire, then I would lavish a bit more time on it and then present it and hope it was received with warm admiration!. Best wishes!.!.!.
Oh, if you click my avatar and go to my questions, I would love your critique of my open poem (returning the favor I suppose); thank you love, and do be brutally honest with me will you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You never will become much of a writer if you hold your self back!.
This is a good start, You will keep growing in your mastery of words and meaning if you take the bull by the horns and just do it!.
We will always be critical of our work at the same time feeling ambivalence towards it while on some level embracing it tightly as!.!.!. it is ours!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I LOVE the visuals you used, but yes, just a few changes here and there should do the trick!. It's a bit like a sonnet, too, because of the opposite themes in the first and second parts of the poem!. Very nice, though!. :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's decent, good concept but needs revising :)Www@QuestionHome@Com