Please could you tell me what you think of my sonnet?

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Question:

We're doing sonnets in English, and it reminded of a sonnet I wrote about 2 years ago!.!.!. I know that some of the rhythm needs working on in this one but it's probably my favourite of the ones I've written!. Thanks :)
Basically, I wrote this sonnet in a Physics lesson - our teacher was away a lot and to entertain ourselves, my friend would set me a title and she'd give me 10 minutes in which to write a sonnet!. The title she gave me for this is 'Sonnet de la mêr' (of the sea)!. Bear in mind I was 14 when I wrote it, haha!. Don't expect perfection :)

The eyes that watch below the murky tides
Will not see, my love, for they are alone,
A thousand haunting serenades!. My sight,
A gift from dawn, pleads passion!. Stars are sewn
Above the softly swayin, moaning waves!.
The coral breathes a necklace to our souls,
And drives our senses down to glist'ning graves!.
We listen, still and silent, to the tolls
Of depths as dark and brilliant as the moon!.
The breathing of the water now is low
And raspy, it will give into us soon,
Bleeding into the Sun's now faded gold!.
And as I lie, touching the rippled skin,
I swear that I can see you there, within!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I like it a lot, I have to say!. No complaints (except that swayin isn't a word grammatically!. either swayin' or swaying!.)

I also wish to respectfully disagree with the poet of the night!.

in that line "Will not see, my love, for they are alone," the commas are used in the right way!. it is not saying "Will not see my love!.!." rather it is as someone talking to (or explaining this to) 'my love'!.

It is as saying "Those eyes won't see, Timmy, cause they're alone!." she's simply splitting the sentence and adding in the audience to the middle!.

oh!. wait!. re-reading it i do have one problem!.

Will not see, my love, for they are alone,
A thousand haunting serenades!.

the comma after alone!.!.!. are you trying to say that these eyes *are* the serenades!? or that the eyes won't *see* the serenades!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

excellent imagery!! I can picture the dark waves crashing under the light of the moon!. I think maybe it could flow a little better, but I think it is great!Www@QuestionHome@Com

i think its great ^^ good job, continue writing =)Www@QuestionHome@Com

ya know!.!.it could be better!!!!!!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

My only complaint is your punctuation (a strange complaint, I know!.)

The problem is that your commas are separating your lines awkwardly!. For instance "Will not see, my love, for they are alone!." With no commas it's fine, but with a comma after the third syllable (word in this case makes me switch the emphasis to the first beat, rather than the second!. This is enhanced by "my love" being followed by yet another comma, further making me think the downbeat is the focus, not the up!.

After further reading I think it's just that one line I have a problem with!. Interesting imagery, word choice, etc!.Www@QuestionHome@Com