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Question: Comments please for this poem I wrote today!?
These nights haunt me, the stillness, and the
silence!.
On nights like this I remember her!.
I held her on nights like this!.
I held her before every kiss!.
I wanted to love her, maybe I loved
her!.
Those eyes twinkle, a silence lighthouse!.
They relieve and guide!. Maybe I loved
her!.
How could someone not love her!.
I wanted her to love me, maybe she loved
me!.
On silent nights like this I am reminded!.
The stars twinkle and shine!.
Maye If I held on!. But how to hold on to
something so precious!.
So strong, still so delicate!.
Maybe if I loved her then!.
Now I wouldn't be remembering!.!.
Still like cool air,
I needed in these lungs!.
These moments couldn't keep forever!.
She was there, but I never had her!.
Then having to release her!.
The stars beacon and twinkle!.
On silent nights like this I am reminded!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I can't help but notice that this is almost a translation and reworking of Neruda's Song of Despair!? Which I think is rather lovely if you intend on crediting it!? Crediting it would also I think make it stronger - love poems are difficult things to do successfully because they are almost inherently cliched and very difficult to do with freshness!. It is however fresh in a way to rework and retell that Song of Despair, which stands on its own as a truly great love poem!.
With that in mind I would suggest being more specific in your images!. Still nights, silent nights, stars, these are things easily imagined, and your adjectives don't necessarily add to the image of them!. And I really don't like the addition of "Now I wouldn't be remembering" in stanza 5 - it's better I think to keep that tone of "maybe" without having to hammer it home as to what has actually occurred - the wishing for some other end to things is already there in the body of the poem!.
Still, I think it has great potential and would love to see some later drafts!
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A little refining on some parts and it would be perfect!. It is sad though, but not really as sad as you'd think it'd be if you just skimmed it when you really read it kind of lightens it while still showing hurt!. I'm not sure if that came out right but, oh well!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
its really good lots of emotion!.!.
would you look at mine!.
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