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Question: Please don't steal but do you like my poem!?
I wrote this poem, and I have been getting a lot of negative comments on it!. And it doesn't (not suppose to) rhyme!. Here it is:
Why couldn't you see that I was lost without you!? I wanted you to stay with me, put your arms around me and tell me every thing would be okay!. You never loved me, you never cared did you!? Dad I miss you!. Help me daddy, my wrists are bleeding, I can't help it please don't hit me, it was an accident I promise! Daddy, daddy stoppit! Tears running down my face can't you see!? Dad, this is what you did to me! You see that bruise!? Yeah, that's from you!. I didn't even do anything to make you do that! Please don't get up in my face!.!.Daddy I love you!! Why don't you love me too!? What did I do to you!? Nothing yeah that's right! Get the f*ck outta my face I'ma stand up to you now! I'm tired of being beat, I'm tired of not being able to sit in my seat, I'm sick of your games it's time to cut it out, just like how you taped my mouth shut!.!.!.up dad I can't take it any more, I'm bout to walk out the door!.!.!.!.!.No! dad im sorry!.!.!.i thought you would back off me once iWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I almost felt like I was There with the girl!
you did a good job engaging and capturing us with your words it's almost believable!
well done!
check out mine too :P
tell me what you think! thanks alot!
Www@QuestionHome@Com
This has good content!.
I agree in part with what the first answer said!.!. Take this work with it make it brilliant!.!. You have talent, you need to reformat and make this substantial you CAN do it!.
the I at the end leads me to a dark conclusion should it have!? Www@QuestionHome@Com
well its headed in the right direction, you use the word daddy to many times, and if i were you i do justify out line! it will help with not only the flow but the form and the rhyming too! its kind of confusing, did yr dad abuse u then leave or he left and came back and now he's taking his anger out on you!? im not sure so here's a little direction for you:
why can't you see i'm lost with out you
i wanted you to stay with me,
put your arms around me
and tell me everything will be okay!.
my wrist is bleeding
tears streaming down my pale face!.
i can't stop it, my
life's fading away
all because you wouldn't stay
what did i do,except love you
with all the lies and bruises too
Www@QuestionHome@Com
Is this unfinished!? You left off without closing the sentence!. (Edit: As Maddamselfly said, are we to be led to a dark conclusion by the ending!? If so!.!.!. wow, I just got chills!)
I wouldn't call it a poem, honestly!. The syllables don't match up and it doesn't flow the way a free-verse should, nor does it rhyme or follow the scheme of any types of poems I know of!.
It may be a dark compilation of exclamations, but it's certainly not a poem!. If you were to format it correctly or revise it, you could easily turn it into lyrics, a story, or an actual poem!.
My advice is to keep on trying, but don't try to redefine what poems are!. What you've written can't be called a poem, but I do think that it has potential to be something else and you may have potential as a writer!. As I said before!.!.!. keep trying and post more online so you can get more feedback!. You do have a good promise in writing, and this piece has some very well-written, intriguing content!. Good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com