Question Home

Position:Home>Poetry> Posting this poem again. Want more comments/advice on how to improve?


Question: Posting this poem again!. Want more comments/advice on how to improve!?
Please, Please!
I want this so bad
"It's not fair"
"I want to be with him,
he's my dad!."
Those were my reasons
Prayers & wishes
& dreams of how it could be
I knew it would happen

Thank you, Thank you!
I have what I wanted
Sunny days, & gelato late at night
Watching movies at 1 in the morning
on a week day
Laughs & smiles & jokes
& love
LOVE
hugs & playful tackles
little girls singing & dancing
Happiness follows me,
& love

God no, God no!
What I wanted is about to disinegrate!
"Why!?" "How come!?" "What happened!?"
Those were my questions
Choking up ever time we talked
& tears streaming down my face in the dark
when no one was looking
Confusion & stress
& anxiety
no more movies, no more laughs
no more jokes
silence ISN'T golden
Where is all the love now!?
no more hugs either
just empty stares
& deadly silence

I want to hate you
I want to blame you
for ruining it
for messing it all up
for taking our happiness away
my happiness!.!.!.
Answer my questions!
Tell me what happened!
help me understand,
why our life isnt sweet,
like it was before!.

Wait, Wait!
I should go back
"I want a stable life!."
"I don't want to move again!."
That was the BS!.
hurt feelings, and even more confusion now
Then that day comes,
When it's all over
I hold back the tears
I can't show I'm hurting inside
more BS!.
And then comes the last hug
the last embrace
I hold on for my life
I can't breath, I'm crying
I'm dying
And then let go, now I'm dead
It's all over
It's truely the end

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
It was a mistake!
"Im so stupid!"
"Why did I do this!?"
more hurtful question that I cant ask
it's been too long,
it's gone too far
I'm in too deep now here
I can't leave now,
there's no turning back
& now I don't care anymore
& now I don't laugh as much
& I miss the way it was before

Why God, Why God!?!
Why did this happen to me!?
So long, I searched for this dream
And I got it,
but then I lost it
Where do i go from here!?
there is no place for me now
I'll never be that happy again
& years will inevitably pass
& people will inevitably change
even when I dont want them to!.
& all I can do is hope
that I will be that happy again,
someday!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
the poem has some good in it, but I think you should not use the symbols in it, it takes away a certain something!. But it is really good because to me it sounds original!. The way you put it into sentences (all mismatched and no rhyming) is really good, rhyming poetry has to be absolutely perfect and it is so hard!. GREAT POEM!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is more of a narrative than poetry!.
I think your idea is good, but does not fit into the form of poetry!.
Sorry, but as I read it, it is more of a story than an ode!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com