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Question: You guys is this a good poem!?
It's about a old man who has lost his love years ago and still feels the pain deeply and cannot get over her
Call my name Aboni and count me in
Count me in
A living creature that you were
Walk, talk
Speak to me
Speak as I can understand
Those words of wisdom
And express to me your inner thoughts
I am here I do exist
My soul sooo weakened but my knowledge yet untouched
My body worn out yet still vigorous
I can feel the wind swiftly passing by and I feel your tears as it touches my skin
I can feel your warm hands on my face, as you had comfort me
I can feel your heart beat, music to my ears as you used to hold me in your arms as you soothed me
Your lips sooo soft and delicate
Your hair sooo smooth, like those vine-red rose pedals falling swiftly from the trees
Come back Aboni
Come back to me
Hold my hand and lift me up
As you know without you I am feeble and fragile, like a baby that cannot stand on it’s own feet
Come lift me up
Give me strength, love me and comfort me once again
Like you had done those days where I was puerile
Speak to me with your pleasant and quite voice
Tell me I am worth a thing or two
I cry myself to sleep and dream of you every night
Remember when we first met!? The stars soo sparkly and the night so pure
The smell of the roses and the sprinklers watering the fresh green grass under our feet
Remember when I first held your hand!?
Held it sooo tight
Frightened I would loose you one day
I told you I’ll never let got till death do us apart
But I guess now that you aren’t here by my side anymore, all I can do is to dream of you
As it is the only way I can reach you when I miss you
I hope you are at peace
Sleep peacefully my sweet Aboni
I promise I will come to you soon
And we’ll be how we were once again, joyful and youthful
And dance again under the stars
As for this time it will be forever
Goodbye for now my Aboni, Goodbye
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The topic is good, the concept is good, some of the phrases are pretty good, but it reads like a first draft, so it needs some editing!. A few things to keep in mind while you're editing: poems always do better when they "show" vs "tell"!. Your poem is a poetic narrative, so it will by its nature "tell" more than other poems, but you could still tighten up the lines by creating images that speak for you, rather than tell us everything!. Some of your lines "show" quite well, such as "sprinklers watering the fresh green grass", although "fresh cut grass" might have been a little more sensuous!. also, avoid "soooo"!.!.!.just say "so", we understand!.!.!.if you want to stress the "so", use ellipses after it, like, "your hair, so!.!.!.!.smooth", or hyphens, "your hair, so---smooth", we'll get the picture!. Finally, be careful of tense agreement!.!.!.be careful that you don't refer to things in the past in the present tense, or vice versa!.!.!.as in "I told you I'll never let go (not "got") till death do us part"!.!.!.which should be, "I told you that I'd never let go, "till death do us part"!. If you use "quotes", you avoid the cliche and allow yourself to speak in contrast to the tense previously set by the remainder of the phrase!.
!.!.!.work on it, it's a good start on a good poem!.!.!.and keep writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I really like the overall poem!. The main thing you should work on is the overall flow from line to line!. Other than that, I think it is great!Www@QuestionHome@Com
purdy!Www@QuestionHome@Com
That is an amazing poem, I really think it was great, but i think you should change a few parts that sounded to generic!? Like phrases that everyone has heard, like till death do us part, and when you say sooo maybe it would be better to just write "so" it sounds more serious, its your Choice though!. And when you say The stars soo sparkly change sparkly to a different word, possibly glimmering or something like that sparkly sound to, I don't know how to put it but maybe some more intense vocabulary on that word, but I really think that poem was amazing, very well written and I hope you write more, it really touched me!. Check out my poems, if you like!. Only have 2 up right now but still!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
For me it is an okay piece!.
You expressed a lot of emotions and at times you repeat it!.
Some of your word choices created bumps in the piece;
Example:
"I can feel the wind swiftly passing by and I feel your tears as it touches my skin"
You use the plural "tears" and then abandoned it with "it"!. Why did you use a singular to support a plural!?
you could use tear and it or you could have used tears and they!.
You do use a lot of common quotes and cliches!. If you could find other alternatives to express these it would not make the piece seem so generic!.
Take a look at your sentence structure and the flow of your lines!. Some hop around and breaks the flow!.
Check your grammar, spelling and your use of punctuations!.
Keep working on it!.
Sam
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