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Question: What do you think of my poem/lyrics!?
His smile, his laugh
Looks so innocent, his laugh so fair
We were for merely eight months,
And yet barely there
They way he says my name is so sincere
He smiles and walks away as to hear my heart tear
His words replay in my mind and my heart fills with fear
Fear of losing something that seemed forever there
The way he knows what I’m going to say
I can only pray he knows that I cry everyday
That I would do anything for him, and for him I would lie
His card I read over and over
I dream that he’d say he wanted to be closer
To get things back to how they were
To me, he meant a lot back then
And even though it’s done with and forgotten
His smile his laugh, his words, and his being
Will forever remind of what being in love really means
And if one day this wound shall heal
It will be the day when we stay together for real!.
And throughout the fights, and stupid lies
I realized what it is to fly
Fly through the days and knowing not a second went to waste
Knowing that you spent them in the best possible way
With someone who means the world to you
And even though no one knows the extent to which
Our relationship went, I know I love you
And I know you love me too
And if you decide we’re better together
The hurt will go away ‘cause
When you love someone,
Apart you can’t go another day!.
***Please don't steal, i just want feedback!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You have a number of typos, but apart from that, your form is not really rhyme, nor free verse, but something in between!. Since this is the case, I'd recommend you just go for free verse and release yourself from the need to rhyme!.!.!.your rhymes don't sound as natural as they need to sound if you're going to do justice to the poem!. You have a combination of visual rhymes mixed in with audible rhymes, and they work against each other!.!.!.when read aloud it looks like they're bad rhymes, when read silently they contrast because the mind reads them "out loud" inside the head!. If they were all one way or the other, it would be better, but then you'd have the problem of having only "some" of the lines rhyme, and when they do, they're in couplets, which is also a difficult form to make sound natural!. Considering your topic and the voice of the poem, I'd still recommend free verse!. Be careful of your word usage!.!.!.when you say, "they way he says!.!.!.", it's clearly a typo (should be "the way he says"), but it makes the reader wonder which word you meant, causing the reader to stumble over a simple line!. also, since you're not concerned with beats per line, there is really no reason not to say "because"!. instead of " 'cause"!.!.!. especially since the latter doesn't match the more fluid voice used in the first part of your poem!.
So, the topic is okay, but you need to do some editing and reconsider the use of rhymes!.!.!.allow the lines to not rhyme and you'll open up a number of possible word choices that may help you better convey the true meaning of each line!.
!.!.!.and keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com
Thats really good, no joke!.!. Well done, keep it up!Www@QuestionHome@Com