My Poems I need a Answer.?

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Question:

I was a guard doing my duty in the papal states guarding the cardinals on that fateful day I was walking in the garden minding my own business holding my spear and showing my
toughness I heard a yell when I got there I found him dead him he was a cardinal with a knife in the back and blood running down the corridor to the room next door I remember him laying so flat so still was the air that it sounded like you could hear the ants on the floor building there colony’s and waging war killing for power, the price some dead ant laying flat and still and the morning having a crisp chill for there is nothing that will twist man more than power and greed and coveting, I moved away from death as far as I can but still the world is a ant colony with war and greed and power there is no place that we can hide so I face the truth I am just a ant working in a colony in the grass right out the door!.
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The knights move through the ranks of enemy’s slashing and hacking as they go it never bothers them they’ve been trained to kill but even the most noble knight can be afraid and run even the most noble king will turn his face pale with the slightest cowardice his movements frail they’ll run away someday and always turn tail they must confront there epic cowardice and make there worst fears turn away and make them remember that your not afraid not anymore but you should remember even the bravest get scared so don’t turn away just keep on going don’t stop in a battle and turn away don’t get hit by that arrow just keep fighting you may lose you may win but always remember that you went down fighting!.
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I was a captured slave pushed into the arena were i met my foe and we dueled to the death at first i thought i was lost to fate then in mid strike at when i was just a body ready to be hacked i got one last urge to not leave my self to fate and turned death to life! in a quick motion i stroke his breast with my sword and cut him so no man could define flesh from dirt i was victorius i was the winner at the exspense of a man a man that may have a family and yet for the crowd watching this barbaric ritual it was a cheap ticket to see a man die in a dishonorable ritual toying with life that wished to repay the crowd!.

Thanks for looking!.

P!.S!. I didn't have time to write it nicely because I have to go feed my family's animals k but thanks for commenting and looking at it!.

EvanWww@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I was a guard
doing my duty in the papal states
guarding the cardinals!.
On that fateful day,
I was walking in the garden
minding my own business
holding my spear and showing my toughness!.
I heard a yell!.
When I got there I found him dead him!.
A Cardinal
with a knife in the back and
blood running down the corridor to the room next door!.
I remember him, lying so flat
So still
was the air that it sounded
like you could hear the ants on the floor,
building their colonies and waging
war killing for power!.
The price
Some dead ant lying flat
and still
and the morning having a crisp chill!.
For there is nothing that will twist man
more than power and greed and coveting!.
I move away from death
as far as I can but
still
the world is a ant colony with war
and greed
and power!.
There is no place
that we can hide,
so I face the truth!.
I am just a ant working
in a colony
in the grass
right out the door!.

This would be a good spacing, but I have to say that it is a mite verbose, and many of them unnecessary in the poetic format!. You truly can leave out lots of those 'little' words used in prose, since the mind is supposed to work a little harder reading poetry!. But I do like the parallels, and the clever run-along of the descriptives!. Not bad!
The Knight's tale is just a little lame, with none of the dichotomy in the Cardinal Dies, and far too many admonitions, unless it were written as a mentor's advice!. And, really, the bottom line is that being brave isn't not feeling fear, it's going on in spite of the fear!. You could die just as well being MacArt or Cuchulain!.

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A captured slave pushed into the arena,
I met my foe in a duel to the death!.
I thought myself lost to fate
In mid-stride!.
Just a body to be hacked!.

One last urge,
not to succumb to fate
but to turn death to life!
A quick motion strokes his breast
with my sword!.

No man could discern
flesh from dirt!.
Victorious!
But at the exspense of a man,
perhaps a family!.

For only the crowd,
for barbaric ritual!.
A cheap ticket to a man's death!.
Dishonorable to toy with life!.
For nothing but the crowd!.

I re-worked this one, to show you how it might be made more powerful, brevity being a good way to encourage thought in your reader!. And the spacing gives silent emphasis to the vision you're portraying!. Poetry isn't just about telling, it's about eliciting visceral response!. But I like your turn of mind!. Keep working at it!. And read lots of poetry, so you can see how others do it!. Especially, given your choice of subject matter, you would do well to read Edgar Allan Poek who was and still is the best ever at creating a mood, just with cadence, alliiteration and assonance!. You could certainly learn from much worse, however dicked up his life was!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com

hi , this is a nice reading but im confused because this looks more like a story and not a poem which the majority of times rhymes , but its a good story anyways Www@QuestionHome@Com

If you are going to write, then you owe it to yourself and your audience to write as well as possible!. Distinguish between "their" and "there" and "they're," for example!. Your samples are filled with similar examples of poor usage!. Take the time to write it nicely before you put it up for people to read!. You can always come back after you feed the animals!.Www@QuestionHome@Com