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Question: What Do You Think Of This Poem!? Harsh If Needed For Input Please :)!?
Okay, So I Was trying To Say How I Had Met My First Love And It Was Correct Choice Because I Love Her!.!.!. Well I Got There, But It Just Didn't Click In My Mind Without Telling Every Part So I Had To COmbine this With My Previous poem, Maybe Adding A Little Bit More :o
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Dear Miss Heart,
The First Time I Saw You,
Your Face Bloomed Like A Sweet Smelling Flower,
And Stole My Heart,
My Face Turned Pale As Wax!.
I Began Walking Somewhat Unsteadily,
Like A Blind Man Feeling His Way,
And When You Looked Towards Me,
I Felt My Life Melting Like The Stars In June!.
My Heart, A Stone
Beating As A Drum!.
Blood Rushed To My Head Fast As A Cyclone,
Overwhelming,
It Staggered My Eyes!.
I Could See Almost Nothing,
But, I Had To See,
Your Sweet And Supple Face,
That Stood So Close Before Me!.
My Heart Began To Pour Out From Inside,
Like The Rending See In A Passionate Wave On Wave,
Barely Able To Say Your Name,
Until I Reached The Content Of Your Every Aspect,
Talking And Thinking Became Easy As Reading The Open Page Of A Monthly Magazine!.!.!.
Your Eyes, Gray And Green,
An April Day!.
Your Hair, Golden Tints Of Sunrise,
Dropped On Cheeks As Honey-Seaweed,
Falling Like Flowers From Paradise!.
Soft As Thoughts Of Budding Love!.
Your Lips, Smooth As Twilight Water,
Lovely Song That Ripples As It Flows,
And The Smile You Use,
Fills Up The Silence as if Speech,
Your Cheeks,
July Peaches!.
An Ardent Face,
An Out-Looking Star!.
A Mystery; Soft, Soothing , And Gentle,
The Whisper Of A Child Murmuring Happiness In Sleep!.
A Voice the sound of the Sea
Speaking Words soft As Rain
Your Laugh,
A Rainbow-Tinted Spray!.
A Rose In Bloom!.
Love Smiled Like An Unclouded Sun!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
ok, it's good but you have some spelling, punctuation and grammatical/layout errors!. Punctuation is KEY in poetry so I'll help you out here!.!.!. also, don't capitalize every word!. I'll capitalize some for you and see if you like it but it's really up to the authors discretion since capitalizations illustrate the importance of certain words!.
Dear Miss Heart,
The first time I saw you
Your Face bloomed like a sweet smelling Flower
And stole my Heart!.
My Face turned pale as wax!. (I'd use a different adjective to describe how your face turned pale!.!.!. maybe pale like a ghost or pale as a pear)
I began walking unsteadily (leave out the somewhat; you don't want to use the passive voice)
Like a blind man finding his way-
And when you looked towards me
I felt my Life melting like the stars in June!. (I don't like this simile because it doesn't make sense!. your life doesn't melt nor do stars!.!. I understand what you're trying to say here though!. Try something like I felt my temperature rise like that of the sun or I knew my life instantly changed forever at this moment)
My Heart-
A stone, beating like a drumb!.
Blood swirled to my head fast like a cyclone-
This feeling- Overwhelming!.
It staggered my eyes!. (what staggered your eyes!? The girl, the blood rushing to your head, or the emotion of being overwhelmed!? Use clarity here)
I could see almost nothing
But I had to See
Your sweet, supple Face
That appeared so close before me!. (Stood is a bad choice because your face doesn't stand)
My Heart began to pour out-
Out of it's cavity!.
Like the rending sea in a passionate wave on wave!. (Rending means to tear apart so it's not a good adjective to use hear when you just said your heart was pouring out of your body before it!. Your descriptions must be consistant so I'd use something like ebb and flow of the powerful waves!. also, crashing waves aren't passion; it's violence so try a different description here like: the soft fall of raindrops on a beautiful, calm fall afternoon)
Barely able to say your name
Until I reached the content of your every aspect (this sounds awkward so change it!. For example, until I was within range of your paralyzing sweet scent)
Speaking and thinking became as simple as reading the opening page of a monthly magazine (I'd leave out the fluff and just end this line with became simple then add another line saying something like: I was overcome with a strange sense of serenity)
Your Eyes-
Grey and green
A fresh April day-
Your Hair-
Golden tints of sunrise,
Dropped on cheeks as honey-seaweed
Falling like flowers from paradise!. (these two lines don't make sense!. Again, consistancy!. Hair falls and drapes not drops!.!. nor does it land on the cheeks; it brushes cheeks!. honey-seaweed, I assume you're talking about the color!? Try describing the motion!. Flowers from paradise, be more specific!. and try saying Tumbling!. It's more fun than generic falls)
Soft as thoughts of budding Love!. (again, consistancy!.!. are thoughts soft!?!? but I do like the overall message! try soft as feelings or something like that!.!.!. or soft as the beginning of budding Love)
Your Lips-
Soft as twilight water!. (Try saying soft as ripples in a low twilight tide!.!. also, you just used Soft above so try using a different adjective either here or above)
Lovely song that ripples as it flows!. (what's a lovely song!? her lips!? her voice!? I don't know what you're trying to describe here)
And your Smile-
It fills up any eerie silence (don't be redundant in saying fills up the silence as if speech!.!. also, it doesn't make sense!. It's like you're writing a cut-off sentence!.)
Your Cheeks-
July peaches!. (Good!)
An ardent-like Face- (ardent means feeling passion!.!. so try a beautiful face glowing with passion or something!. or add another bridge with how she emanates certain emotions that ring you in)
An out-looking star!. (out-looking isn't a word!.!.!. also, you've used star a lot in your poem so far so try using something else)
A mystery- Soft, Soothing, and Gentle (what's a mystery!? also, mysteries aren't soft, soothing and gentle!.!.!. they're uncertainty!. I like what you're trying to say here but I'd separate these two thoughts)
The whisper of a child murmuring in happiness!. (I'm not a fan of murmer!.!.!. the whisper of a happy child or use a different adjective)
Your voice-
The sound of the Sea!.
Speaking words soft as rain (use different adjective!.!. but I like it)
Your Laugh-
A rainbow-tinted spray!. (I don't like spray because it makes me picture her spitting on you!.!.)
A Rose in Bloom- (what's a rose in bloom!? be specific)
Love smiled like an unclouded sun!. (I'd say love spread or something else!.!.!. not smile)
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yep, it is really sweet!.
i like how you made reference to the blind man feeling his way and stuff, good metaphors
i had no probelms except it always annoys me When People Capatalize Every Word Even Though It Takes More Time To Do SoWww@QuestionHome@Com
its really good awww youre so sweetWww@QuestionHome@Com
awww it is very sweet i like it!Www@QuestionHome@Com