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Question: What's wrong with the structure of my poem!?
It doesn't flow properly in the first stanza!. I'm new to poetry and I don't know what I'm doing wrong, so any help would be appreciated!.

In the winter of this tortured mental realm
That Judas mocked and Jesus feared and God witheld
In the shadowed factories and the the minds of this dominion
A contorted creature of the night works to turn cog and pinion

Where menacing eyes scowl at us for playing Cat and Mouse
Where simple walls and boring halls shout "pain!" in every house
Where tears and fears for 16 years give you a kind of numb,
Where our brushes run dry, on splintered shins we run!.

You'll find me here, knee deep in dead, reaching for splintered light,
You'll find me in the factories, with other children of the night,
You'll find me in the land where God dare cast his frown,
You'll find me here, all but gone, This Is Factorytown!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The first line flows perfectly; it is basic iambic pentameter with an anapest substituting for the iamb in the first foot (assuming that "in" is pronounced as unstressed); this works!.
Line 2 is iambic hexameter!. This is okay within the "rules" but I have always thought that six feet in a line feels clumsy; this is especially true after having just five in line 1!.
Line 3 is your real culprit!. The first two feet are anapest/iamb, then there are four consecutive unstressed syllables ("!.!.!.to-ries and the!.!.!.")!. If you just wrote, "!.!.!.factories, minds of this!.!.!." it would be a little improvement but there would still be six feet: anapest, iamb, anapest, trochee, iamb, feminine ending!. Still reads rather clumsily!. I would think seriously of ditching the whole line and starting over!.
Line 4 is too long and breaks between four iambs (first substituted by anapest) and four trochees!. If you change "works to" to "will" it would be cleaner, but at seven feet it is still longer than your other lines!.
You specifically asked about rhythm!. But there are many amazing things at work here!. Your imagery is wonderful and so is the way you handled your subject!. This is a very good draft and worth further work!. Check out the link below for info on meter!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com

thats a great poem!. i see what you mean about the first stanza!.i think its the 1st 2 lines!. im not sure, but maybe you used words with the incorrect flow of syllables!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

The syllable count seemed a little bit off in the first two stanzas, these are my revisions, nothing too much!.

In the winter of this tortured mental realm
That Judas mocked, Jesus feared and God withheld
In the shadowed factories and minds of this dominion
A contorted creature turns the cog and pinion

Where menacing eyes scowl at us for playing Cat and Mouse
Where simple walls and boring halls shout "pain!" in every house
Where tears and fears for 16 years give you a kind of numb,
Where our brushes run dry on the splintered shins we run!.Www@QuestionHome@Com