Position:Home>Poetry> Help?!? any ideas to revise this poem? Please?
Question: Help!?!!? any ideas to revise this poem!? Please!?
I live with this lifelong pain,
Of my skin embeded in my chain,
My water bowl is dry,
I dont understand why,
Theres dirt caked on my paws,
A constant reminder of my owners flaws,
Im in the sun so painfully hot,
Why did he leave me here to die and rot,
Thats when they came,
The suited angles that took me off my chain,
They gave me water and food,
The put me in a caige that people viewed,
For the longest time i sat in that caige,
My neck went from bloody and sore,
To not even visible anymore,
Then one day came two people,
Who took me away,
Everyday I watch as you pass by,
Why wont you look me in the eye,
Then I might get a handout or two,
Something, anything to help pull me through,
Yet you keep walking,
I still keep squawking,
Trying to get your pityful attention,
Meanwhile my body wont take anymore tension,
Becuase all you can see is my skin and bones,
All you hear are my now painful moans,
My mouth is now so dry,
Getting your attention is hard to try,
Then finally sombody stopped,
They didnt give a handout though,
They took me with,
They feed me and saved me,
And gave me to new owners
Im no longer a sore for sight,
Because I have owners who treat me right!.
For anybody who might not understand this is about animal abuse not human!!! Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The syllable count kind of bugs me!. It doesn't seem to flow quite right!.!.!. Try something like this:
I live with this lifelong pain
Of my skin embedded in my chain
My water bowl is always dry
And I just don't understand why
There’s dirt caked on my every paw
A reminder of my owner's flaws
I'm the sun so painfully hot
Why did they leave me to die and rot!?
Then one day some people came
The suited angels that took my chain
They gave fresh water and food
And put me in a cage that people viewed!.
For the longest time I sat in that cage
My neck become bloody and sore
And then wasn't visible anymore!.
Then one day two people came
And took me away!.!.!.
Now everyday I watch you pass by
Why won't you look me in the eye!?
Maybe you'd give me a handout or two!.
Something, anything to pull me through!.
But yet you keep walking
While I keep squawking
Trying to get your attention!.
My body can't take more tension!.
All you can see is my bones
All you hear are my now painful moans!.
My mouth is so dry,
Getting you attention is hard to try!.
Then finally someone stops
They didn't give me a handout though!.
They took me with
They set me free
The gave me to new owners
I'm no longer a sore for sight!.
Cause I have owners that treat me right!.
Hope this helps!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I don't think it neds any revision - maybe just some spell check !.!. but then my spelling is not perfect either!.!. I could feel how deeply you feel about this subject!.!. what a kind heart you have!.!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
That is amazing and sweet! I really respect it, because I truly care about animals, and I am a vegetarian!. You had a few spelling and grammar mistakes, so here is how I would write it:
Good luck, and keep up the great work! =)
I live with this lifelong pain, off my skin embeded in my chain
My water bowl is dry, but I dont understand why
There's dirt caked on my paws, a reminder of my owners flaws
Im in the sun that's so painfully hot
Why did he leave me here to die and rot!?
That's when they came, the suited angles that took me off my chain
They gave me water and food
They put me in a cage that people viewed
For the longest time I sat in that cage, my neck went from bloody and sore, to not even visible anymore,
Then one day came two people who took me away!.
Everyday I watch as you pass by
Why wont you look me in the eye!?
Then I might get a handout or two, something, anything to help pull me through
Yet you keep walking; I still keep squawking
Trying to get your ppitifulattention; meanwhile my body wont take anymore tension
All you can see is my skin and bones
All you hear are my now painful moans
My mouth is now so dry; getting your attention is hard to try
Then finally ssomebodystopped, but didn't give a handout though
They took me with; they feed me and saved me, and gave me to new owners
I'm no longer a sore for sight, because I have owners who treat me right!.Www@QuestionHome@Com