Rate My Poem, Improvements?

Position:Home>Poetry> Rate My Poem, Improvements?

Question:

In your desert sky eyes,
I’m just conjurer’s gold,

You feel I’m no more greater than a fish, or… doornail -
But, I am the coming forth of morning, or…!. I’m the glittering sword!.

You are death,
A passing cloud,
Not seeing me as a wildflower,
But, McDonald’s fries!.

Piercing Arrows,
Bringing me down,
a wounded stag!.

I, a well of sorrow,
But, you, a mole,
Only feeling his way,
Wildfire!.

-------
Thought of Changing!.!.!.!.!.!.
fish to doornail!.!.!.!.!.!.
coming forth of morning to!.!.!.!.!. glittering sword!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

In your desert sky eyes,
I am but conjurer's gold

You feel my worth is no greater than a fish
Yet I am the coming forth of morning

You are death,
A passing cloud,
Seeing me not as a wildflower,
But, as ragweed!.

Piercing Arrows,
Bring me down,
a wounded stag!.

I am a mere well of sorrow,
But you are a mole,
Blindly feeling his way,
Wildfire!. >>This doesn't tie in very well

Sorry for hacking up your words again!. I totally wasn't feeling the Fries line!. I get what you were going for, but the whole vibe was off!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

i think it's very good
except for the mcdonald's fries line
it ruins the mood
Www@QuestionHome@Com

VERY GOOD ~I LOVE IT!

Www@QuestionHome@Com