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Position:Home>Poetry> Comments on my definition of "tomorrow"?Question: Comments on my definition of "tomorrow"!? had a power outage today!. Longer than usual!. While i sat there waiting for electricity these words fell out of my pen!.
Tomorrow gives me pause for thought It holds the things I've not yet bought Its secrets are my dreams tonight Its visions not yet in my sight Its rooms are full of promise made Words I've spoken still unsaid Tomorrow carries things achieved Proof of things once disbelieved Tomorrow is, in every way The things I say and do todayWww@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I, my dear, must agree in part with the mighty 1 and disagree with David!. Metered rhyme, whether in couplet form, ballad stanza or any of the myriad other forms can be difficult to write properly, and sounds much better when read aloud!. (the way I always read poetry) You have done a better than average job here with meter, and hope you continue to do so!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I like the premise and the meaning of the poem and in general you have done a good job of conveying it!. The problem I have is the form that you have chosen: rhymed couplets in iambic tetrameter!. You could take the most serious subject matter in the world and it would come out sounding kind of silly in this form (if you don't believe me, browse through a greeting card shop and see how many are written like this)!. also, some of the rhymes sound a little forced!. Hint: if you use a word you would not normally use, or use them in a diffent order than usual, just to make the rhyme, it will probably sound forced!. I would love to see you try this again using a different form, blank verse perhaps, and see what the result is!. I think you will be happier!. Keep writing, I love your stuff! Www@QuestionHome@Com I think I would disagree with David about the rhyming!.!.!.it's good to write to a discipline and it exercises your mind!. When it works you've really achieved something!. I suggest the following simply for your consideration!. (It changes your meaning somewhat, but is still a positive outlook!.) Tomorrow gives me pause for thought It holds the things I've not yet got Its secrets are my dreams tonight Its visions not yet in full sight Its hope is gently promise-lead With words that yet remain unsaid Tomorrow things will be achieved Proof of things once disbelieved Tomorrow is, in every way A clean-slate, blank page, brand-new day!. (Or: Another chance!.!.!.a brand-new day!.) This is just off the top off my head - still needs refining!. That's your job!. (Where I come from 'said' is pronounced 'sed', which is why I rhymed it with 'lead' (led)!.Www@QuestionHome@Com You should change "words i've spoken still unsaid" - it doesn't sound right, how can things that you have spoken be unsaid!? It should be something like "thoughts i have,yet to be said" or something!. I think it is pretty good, maybe you should put less focus on rhyming because i feel like people loose a lot by attempting to rhyme things!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I like this very much!. They way you think this through is very vibrant, for me, anyway!. It carries a lot of wisdom!. Replace "games yet played" for "still unsaid"!? I'm not sure!. As suggested try a free form version!. But personally I like this form, sounds quite classic!. PS More power to you! lolWww@QuestionHome@Com I like this!. The two lines "It's rooms are full of promise made; words I've spoken still unsaid" are awkward with your rhyme scheme, but it still works!. Just remember that poems don't have to rhyme, I think you limited yourself with that!.Www@QuestionHome@Com omg!. it is so amazing!. i understand the meaning of your poem!. tomorrow really is what you do today, but you cannot live to live tomorrow unless you finsih today! amazing poem! u have natural talent! omgWww@QuestionHome@Com Its rooms are full of promises made It's hand hold words not yet played Tomorrow beckons me Promising to lay waste To my worst todayWww@QuestionHome@Com |